Where are you now?

It's sad. the way we percieve so many people. At some point, when you believe that someone's so entirely perfect, and then you get to know them. That's when it all falls apart. Everything doesn't make sense, and you're all alone. It's so weird that some people turn out to be total ignoramuses whe you get to know them better. 

Blue eyes lie.

I have concured one thing from today, though. It's that I'm an extremely hard person to deal with. With my offbeat thinking and dire sense of paranoia. I tend to annoy the hell out of anyone I like. The motivation I get whenever I grow fond of a person drives me to do some things that make you get a bad perception of me.

I feel like such a fool. I've lost so many friends in the past because of my thick headedness and my bad habit of getting ahead of myself. I just feel so helpless. How can I change myself for the better? Is it even remotely possible? I know that you are what you think you are, but if it's near impossible to change that mindset at any point in time?

Where am I heading? I have no idea, not one bit. Can I change myself at some point? I don't, but I sure hope I can. 

I guess it may be a good thing. Those who have learned or are in the process of learning to tolerate me, will realize that I am someone worth keeping, well, hopefully.

I love you, friends.

Ian.

Just Amazing.

Adele - Hometown Glory

KD lang - Hallelujah - The best I've ever heard. Period.

It's a wonder where I am now. I just feel so lost and suspensded in the middle of air. I can't help but feel this feeling of purposelessness. Why am I here? Why am I alive? I don't think I'll ever know.

Do I want to go home? Or do I want to be here? I can't even tell anymore. I wish life would be more fulfilling than it is now.

 Don't you hate it? when you've buried something so deep inside, and promised you'd never take it out again, and a year after, it rears it's ugly head once more. I can't seem to control these overwhelming feelings that consume me every single night. I don't want to be alone anymore, I need someone to hold onto at night, someone to know that I'm there and can offer me the exact same thing.

I've just realized how distant those feelings are now. Sitting down in an air conditioned class and mocking the teacher infront of us. Bugging Natalee, and she'd go "Ian, stop it and pay attention!". Falling asleep in Chem class and having Nat say "Ian, wake up!". It's sad how time has passed so fast, we can never get those moments back. No more sports day, no more complaining about school food, no more people who get you.

I've already mapped out my life from here on out, but there's just something inside me that wants to rip out of this body and do something far greater than what's possible. I don't want to be good, not just great, but I want to be amazing. Just, amazing.

Ian.

A night of being lost

My back-coverless handphone.

What is in a back-coverless cell that tells such a story. A story of a boy that got hopelessly drunk because of being upset. Sorry to the people whom i drunk called last night.

Last night was weird. I got drunk and tried to have sex with Undarmaa, knowing that that would be extremely dumb subconciously, i called people over to keep an eye on drunk me. It was, very weird. I drunk called some of my friends too.

After everything more or less settled down, i was still disillusioned by my surroundings. I had a feeling impending doom, so i ran. I walked out of the apartment, and ran far far away, to crossroads and just sat there. The whole was a blur after that, all I can truly remember is that I was so scared running through the dark alone, when there were scarcely a car on the road, and this black woman who helped me up to the room. 

I woke up after that, in the toilet, with a hangover. I realized, that my phone was there, but the back cover and battery was missing. It's quite a feat, for person to lose his back cover and battery instead of the entire phone. O_O

If you're asking what brought upon this night of distraught,

Twas a series of ignored calls.

Ian.

Alone In Kansas

I just typed a really long post that got deleted for some reason. Oh god hates me.

The view outside one of the Windows - Jayhawk towers building A. Sometimes the sounds of the Jackhammers are very very annoying and disruptive. As a matter of fact, it's going on as I type this.

I'm trapped here in these towers, along with Undarmaa and Eleven. No ones' allowed to stay in the towers during Spring Break, ergo, I was chased out of templin. Which sucked alot, if you ask me.

I really didn't want spring break to come. It causes so many uneeded inconviniences. Such as the fact that i'm not gonna get to go party during Spring Break because of the plain fact that there is no one to party with. It's a pretty sad thing if you ask me. Ben isn't here, Katelynn isn't here, Arielle isn't here. Basically, it's a week in an apartment with nothing to do.

Some pictures of Jayhawker towers.

I think it's very Kind of Undarmaa to put me up for a week, otherwise I'd have to be in McCollum, and that's the last place I really want to end up.

Days have been passing so quickly lately. I've lost track of my reality.

Where am I? It's so pissy, I cannot stand it. It's like I'm just stuck in this place where nothing is up nor is anything down. I feel so so lost. :( I HATE MY LIFE.

Well not really. I just feel that I no longer want to be surrounded by people who are by sadly high standards, retarded and immature. I mean, fucking grow up already.

- - - - - -

I don't want to feel like this anymore,

thinking about you everyday, when I wake up, when I sleep.

It's aggravating that I cannot get you out of my head,

even when my friends tell me to think and do things otherwise, 

I feel so helpless.

It's weird how academics are giving me less stress than something isn't even there.

I need help.

I need change.

Ian

Heaven's to Murgatroid!

I know I know, I haven't been posting as frequent as I had to. But either way, i'll make up for lot time by posting now. Cause I'm just that awesome.

If some of you haven't heard, I went to the Jon McLaughlin Concert a few weeks back, he's one of my top 4 singers. He's pretty awesome.

This is Gabby, apparently her full name's so long you won't even believe it. She didn't really bother to tell me her full name. She's Benjamin Goering's current girlfriend. A few posts back when I introduced Ben, she told me to make the "current" clear :P

She's a pretty cool girl, and really nice. I hang out in the room most of the time because i'm so jobless. Hm, there's really nothing much I can add here O_O Weirdly enough.

This is Erika. She lives in the same room as Gabby, 606, i think.

You should've seen her hand a few weeks ago, it was badass. Ben and friends went on a skating trip awhile back, and a freak skating accident happened where Erika's palm, more toward the thumb side, got sliced. She had to get stiches and it was really, really scary. :D

Jon McL concert at the bottleneck.

The bottleneck hosts alot of bands like every week or something. I'm not too sure about it, it's a Bar regularly, but it turns into a dance club on Thursdays, Neon. I've been to Neon once, it's pretty nice. Sadly, you have to be 21 to drink though, and that really really sucks. You have to be 18 to get in, so I had to borrow someone's ID to get in. It REALLY sucks not to have a real 18 ID, you can't get into most clubs.

Jon McLaughlin was Uber amazing. And he was like, a meter away. His voice was even better than the recordings, as cliche as it maybe. Me and Gabby went wild over how Good he was. Gabby even purchased his songs online! He and his band did like 10 songs, I think. One of the songs that he sang really got to me. Piano Man by Billy Joel. Apparently he says it's the song that inspired him to do Music. I can very well see why. It is an Amazing Song.

Either way, we got done and headed to the hookah house, as the day ended. I'm thankful I had friends that bothered accompanying me for this. :)

ONLY 3 more to go :D

Jason Mraz
John Mayer
James Morrsion

The picture taken while waiting outside budig that night. For someone.

Here's the comprehensive story, if you bother to listen to it. I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to know. I walked in the cold that night, and waited outside budig, this building like a mile or two away. I sat outside for 2 hours approximately, and waited patiently. But to avail, I got rejected. Bloody mixed signals, it's very very frustrating. I got a call every night for like a week and a half, and I haven't gotten a call since then.

I've been obssesed with card throwing lately, and I don't know why. The card you see here is a memoir from a class trip I had back in Malaysia. I remember getting this at the Genting Highlands Arcade (Theme park.) It's broken. Ironic, Broken Memories.

It started with regular poker cards, and when I realized I could actually do more damage with a hard plastic card, I started throwing it at a wall, repeatedly, and this is the result. Since then, I've been looking for hard plastic cards to keep as extras to just throw around for fun. I know I'm lame! So don't tell me that. I kinda even took some "point cards" from subway just so I could throw em'. :D I'm so retarded.

Oh, the card above was actually the things that killed the 2 hours the othernight. Hence, the brokeness.



Oh! This is bloody cool. Someone got an XBox + Guitar Hero Band Kit from Someone for Valentine's day. IT WAS AMAZING D: I feel so jealous now :D.

Either way, It's a weird thing that Guitar Hero is so amazingly popular here. It's like the game EVERYBODY plays. Well, that and WoW. The sheer numbers astound me sometimes.


Look what I found the Other day! I forgot I brought it from Malaysia, ain't it just bloody cute!? :D

Anyway, Life's been really stressful lately, and I think it's all in my mind. No idea why I haven't really been going out and doing anything this week. I feel bad for always sticking to Ben and friends like glue, I feel like I'm intruding and I'm not even in the inner circle! I should tone it down a little bit. Hm. I have a feeling my annoyance is acting up again.

Big tests next week before Spring Break. God. I hate studying, thank god I really don't have to study that much. It's only 5 subjects. So much easier when compared too the 10 I used to take back in Malaysia.

I leave you now with this fairly dramatic picture. Because I can.



Ian