Where are you now?

It's sad. the way we percieve so many people. At some point, when you believe that someone's so entirely perfect, and then you get to know them. That's when it all falls apart. Everything doesn't make sense, and you're all alone. It's so weird that some people turn out to be total ignoramuses whe you get to know them better. 

Blue eyes lie.

I have concured one thing from today, though. It's that I'm an extremely hard person to deal with. With my offbeat thinking and dire sense of paranoia. I tend to annoy the hell out of anyone I like. The motivation I get whenever I grow fond of a person drives me to do some things that make you get a bad perception of me.

I feel like such a fool. I've lost so many friends in the past because of my thick headedness and my bad habit of getting ahead of myself. I just feel so helpless. How can I change myself for the better? Is it even remotely possible? I know that you are what you think you are, but if it's near impossible to change that mindset at any point in time?

Where am I heading? I have no idea, not one bit. Can I change myself at some point? I don't, but I sure hope I can. 

I guess it may be a good thing. Those who have learned or are in the process of learning to tolerate me, will realize that I am someone worth keeping, well, hopefully.

I love you, friends.

Ian.

Just Amazing.

Adele - Hometown Glory

KD lang - Hallelujah - The best I've ever heard. Period.

It's a wonder where I am now. I just feel so lost and suspensded in the middle of air. I can't help but feel this feeling of purposelessness. Why am I here? Why am I alive? I don't think I'll ever know.

Do I want to go home? Or do I want to be here? I can't even tell anymore. I wish life would be more fulfilling than it is now.

 Don't you hate it? when you've buried something so deep inside, and promised you'd never take it out again, and a year after, it rears it's ugly head once more. I can't seem to control these overwhelming feelings that consume me every single night. I don't want to be alone anymore, I need someone to hold onto at night, someone to know that I'm there and can offer me the exact same thing.

I've just realized how distant those feelings are now. Sitting down in an air conditioned class and mocking the teacher infront of us. Bugging Natalee, and she'd go "Ian, stop it and pay attention!". Falling asleep in Chem class and having Nat say "Ian, wake up!". It's sad how time has passed so fast, we can never get those moments back. No more sports day, no more complaining about school food, no more people who get you.

I've already mapped out my life from here on out, but there's just something inside me that wants to rip out of this body and do something far greater than what's possible. I don't want to be good, not just great, but I want to be amazing. Just, amazing.

Ian.

A night of being lost

My back-coverless handphone.

What is in a back-coverless cell that tells such a story. A story of a boy that got hopelessly drunk because of being upset. Sorry to the people whom i drunk called last night.

Last night was weird. I got drunk and tried to have sex with Undarmaa, knowing that that would be extremely dumb subconciously, i called people over to keep an eye on drunk me. It was, very weird. I drunk called some of my friends too.

After everything more or less settled down, i was still disillusioned by my surroundings. I had a feeling impending doom, so i ran. I walked out of the apartment, and ran far far away, to crossroads and just sat there. The whole was a blur after that, all I can truly remember is that I was so scared running through the dark alone, when there were scarcely a car on the road, and this black woman who helped me up to the room. 

I woke up after that, in the toilet, with a hangover. I realized, that my phone was there, but the back cover and battery was missing. It's quite a feat, for person to lose his back cover and battery instead of the entire phone. O_O

If you're asking what brought upon this night of distraught,

Twas a series of ignored calls.

Ian.

Alone In Kansas

I just typed a really long post that got deleted for some reason. Oh god hates me.

The view outside one of the Windows - Jayhawk towers building A. Sometimes the sounds of the Jackhammers are very very annoying and disruptive. As a matter of fact, it's going on as I type this.

I'm trapped here in these towers, along with Undarmaa and Eleven. No ones' allowed to stay in the towers during Spring Break, ergo, I was chased out of templin. Which sucked alot, if you ask me.

I really didn't want spring break to come. It causes so many uneeded inconviniences. Such as the fact that i'm not gonna get to go party during Spring Break because of the plain fact that there is no one to party with. It's a pretty sad thing if you ask me. Ben isn't here, Katelynn isn't here, Arielle isn't here. Basically, it's a week in an apartment with nothing to do.

Some pictures of Jayhawker towers.

I think it's very Kind of Undarmaa to put me up for a week, otherwise I'd have to be in McCollum, and that's the last place I really want to end up.

Days have been passing so quickly lately. I've lost track of my reality.

Where am I? It's so pissy, I cannot stand it. It's like I'm just stuck in this place where nothing is up nor is anything down. I feel so so lost. :( I HATE MY LIFE.

Well not really. I just feel that I no longer want to be surrounded by people who are by sadly high standards, retarded and immature. I mean, fucking grow up already.

- - - - - -

I don't want to feel like this anymore,

thinking about you everyday, when I wake up, when I sleep.

It's aggravating that I cannot get you out of my head,

even when my friends tell me to think and do things otherwise, 

I feel so helpless.

It's weird how academics are giving me less stress than something isn't even there.

I need help.

I need change.

Ian

Heaven's to Murgatroid!

I know I know, I haven't been posting as frequent as I had to. But either way, i'll make up for lot time by posting now. Cause I'm just that awesome.

If some of you haven't heard, I went to the Jon McLaughlin Concert a few weeks back, he's one of my top 4 singers. He's pretty awesome.

This is Gabby, apparently her full name's so long you won't even believe it. She didn't really bother to tell me her full name. She's Benjamin Goering's current girlfriend. A few posts back when I introduced Ben, she told me to make the "current" clear :P

She's a pretty cool girl, and really nice. I hang out in the room most of the time because i'm so jobless. Hm, there's really nothing much I can add here O_O Weirdly enough.

This is Erika. She lives in the same room as Gabby, 606, i think.

You should've seen her hand a few weeks ago, it was badass. Ben and friends went on a skating trip awhile back, and a freak skating accident happened where Erika's palm, more toward the thumb side, got sliced. She had to get stiches and it was really, really scary. :D

Jon McL concert at the bottleneck.

The bottleneck hosts alot of bands like every week or something. I'm not too sure about it, it's a Bar regularly, but it turns into a dance club on Thursdays, Neon. I've been to Neon once, it's pretty nice. Sadly, you have to be 21 to drink though, and that really really sucks. You have to be 18 to get in, so I had to borrow someone's ID to get in. It REALLY sucks not to have a real 18 ID, you can't get into most clubs.

Jon McLaughlin was Uber amazing. And he was like, a meter away. His voice was even better than the recordings, as cliche as it maybe. Me and Gabby went wild over how Good he was. Gabby even purchased his songs online! He and his band did like 10 songs, I think. One of the songs that he sang really got to me. Piano Man by Billy Joel. Apparently he says it's the song that inspired him to do Music. I can very well see why. It is an Amazing Song.

Either way, we got done and headed to the hookah house, as the day ended. I'm thankful I had friends that bothered accompanying me for this. :)

ONLY 3 more to go :D

Jason Mraz
John Mayer
James Morrsion

The picture taken while waiting outside budig that night. For someone.

Here's the comprehensive story, if you bother to listen to it. I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to know. I walked in the cold that night, and waited outside budig, this building like a mile or two away. I sat outside for 2 hours approximately, and waited patiently. But to avail, I got rejected. Bloody mixed signals, it's very very frustrating. I got a call every night for like a week and a half, and I haven't gotten a call since then.

I've been obssesed with card throwing lately, and I don't know why. The card you see here is a memoir from a class trip I had back in Malaysia. I remember getting this at the Genting Highlands Arcade (Theme park.) It's broken. Ironic, Broken Memories.

It started with regular poker cards, and when I realized I could actually do more damage with a hard plastic card, I started throwing it at a wall, repeatedly, and this is the result. Since then, I've been looking for hard plastic cards to keep as extras to just throw around for fun. I know I'm lame! So don't tell me that. I kinda even took some "point cards" from subway just so I could throw em'. :D I'm so retarded.

Oh, the card above was actually the things that killed the 2 hours the othernight. Hence, the brokeness.



Oh! This is bloody cool. Someone got an XBox + Guitar Hero Band Kit from Someone for Valentine's day. IT WAS AMAZING D: I feel so jealous now :D.

Either way, It's a weird thing that Guitar Hero is so amazingly popular here. It's like the game EVERYBODY plays. Well, that and WoW. The sheer numbers astound me sometimes.


Look what I found the Other day! I forgot I brought it from Malaysia, ain't it just bloody cute!? :D

Anyway, Life's been really stressful lately, and I think it's all in my mind. No idea why I haven't really been going out and doing anything this week. I feel bad for always sticking to Ben and friends like glue, I feel like I'm intruding and I'm not even in the inner circle! I should tone it down a little bit. Hm. I have a feeling my annoyance is acting up again.

Big tests next week before Spring Break. God. I hate studying, thank god I really don't have to study that much. It's only 5 subjects. So much easier when compared too the 10 I used to take back in Malaysia.

I leave you now with this fairly dramatic picture. Because I can.



Ian

Sleepless Nights

Oh night, how I loathe thee,
How you turn the silence into your weaponry,
How you playfully taunt me.

The silence, It looms,
it unsettles my heart,
Pierces my soul,
Like Art.

Blinded, I am,
in this dark little room,
as emotions fly by,
that spell doom.

Those nights I had,
Your voice enticed,
Seduced my every whim,
You were my vice.
My bad habit that wouldn't go away,
The call that I'd wait for,
Every;
Single;
Day.

Why do i commune in such verses,
With poetry like curses,
That leaves me so emotionally raw,
Vulnerable to the the world,
As I thaw.

Oh Sleepless nights,
Just leave me,
For left alone,
Is all I want to be.



Ian

This is where I die.

I'm sorry I've been posting alot of poems lately. Have been rather moody about life and future and crap. I'll promise I'll blog sometime later about the Jon McLaughlin Concert. Soon.

This road right here,
So hard and firm,
Is where I will die and bleed and burn.
as I feel the spikes pierce my skin,
As the walls of my heart grow thin.

The flames the envelop me,
In a ring of death,
where fiery imps, elephants and juxtaposes,
dance as they would at a fair,
around and around they go,
as my skin scorches so.

Why'd you leave me here to die?
You ran so quick,
in a blink of an eye.
"I have to go, I can't stay here,

You're a lost cause, my dear."

After I tried,
So bloody hard,
To make you feel better,
You and your broken heart.

I guess it makes sense,
That you do not even care,
It makes sense that words so hurtful,
causes me so much despair.
It makes sense that your arrogance,

is parallel to your incompetance.

I shall die now,

In hatred and distraught,

thinking of you, my love,

and my souls is taken,

from this spot.

Ian

I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I will, soon.

Where are you?

I'll wait by this window everyday,
and watch the flowers grow;
and watch the vines climb higher and higher,
as they kiss my window sill.

I'll wait and feel the summers breeze,
rubbing against my cheeks,
for a thousand years, it wouldn't matter,
I'd wait and wait and wait.

I'll wait and brace through the storms,
the snowfall and the dawns,
and watch flowers die and bloom,
as I wait here in my room.

It could be a month, a year, a century,
but I wouldn't care,
for your arrival is all that fills my heart,
and eliminates my despair.

Where are you?
My Love,
I'll wait for you here.
I'll wait for you through thick and thin,
until you appear.

I'll wait by this window everyday,
as history repeats,
death, life and everything,
they mean nothing to me.



Ian

Oh. My. GOD.

Oh. My. Fucking. (Sorry.) God.

Ian's top four.

James Morrison
Jason Mraz
John Mayer
Jon McLaughlin


Ben Goering, if you're reading this right now. If you bring me to this thing. I'm going to be the eternally, ETERNALLY, grateful.

Or KP, but she doesn't read my blog.

I'm going to go kill myself now. Super happy. I hope!


Ian

It's that time of the year again.

When the lonely get lonelier and the sad get sadder. When you watch a couple hold hands down the street and damn the creation of Valentines day.

A empty metal heart I made out of paper clips. I really need to get a life :S

I personally hate Valentines. "I bet you're just saying that cause you don't have anyone right now to celebrate it with". Call me unreasonable, but it IS for that reason that I think Valentines is such a horrible holiday. I mean, why even create a holiday that's only there to make entire single population feel left out or alone.

Fine, if you want a Valentines. But in the defence of the single people, shouldn't there be a "Singles day"? I mean, It would only be fair to make 'em lovers feel left out for once. Once again, so unfair.

Apparently there's a whole history behind valentines day. But to cut to the chase and sparing all of you the need to stare into a pink background attempting to read squiggly little words that are in bright font. Here's the gist of it.

There have been many Saint Valentines/Valentinuses in the past. Apparently they all did something Valiant, (Valentines in greek = Valor). But skipping all that crap about the other dead Valentines. The most important one was a Christian priest named Saint Valentinus that defied the laws of the Romans and continued marrying people incognitto style. He was caught, and sentenced to death. In the late 5th century, Emperor Gelasius declared February 14th a holy day in honor of Valentinus.


It's such a crapped-up holiday. Where you spend a bagillion dollars (Not a real numerical number) on chocolates, candies and roses. When sometimes you don't even know if the person you're giving it to will appreciate it or not. It's so commericialized, sometimes I feel that the whole meaning of the holiday has been lost in the translation.


My poor broken Ipod earphones. They slipped off my desk one night and ended up getting crushed by my chair. Hillarious. Not. I went to the Kansas Union to pick up a new pair, 9.99 USD. Yes, I'm cheap. I'm Asian! give me a break.

I woke up at like 7.30 today attempting to rush-read 4 modules cause I skipped out on studying last night. Instead, I took a detour downtown with Katelynn and co.

"You're so irresponsible Ian!"

Well, thank you for poiting out the obvious. But prior to going downtown, I hung out with some of my Asians, or atleast, by blood asians around McCollum and The Studio



The table design at The Studio. Pretty cool if you ask me.

That reminds me. I haven't really introduced you to some of the people I'm acquainted with nowadays. Here are some of those I find really cool and friend-worthy.

- - - - - Friend File A - - - - -

Specimen 1.1 - The Nigelius Gilbertius. (Nigel Gilbert.) This Indian dumbass is the guy I hang out with the most. It's mostly because he was the first ever REAL friend I made when I came to KU. We do everything together, and we have alot of racial banter. It's a little unhealthy, but ngeh. He makes dumb comments from time to time, but it's always forgiveable. But even though we get into quarrels sometimes, we still remain really close friends. (Well, as close as friends of 2 months can get.)



Specimen 1.42b - The Si-us Yihongus (A.k.a. Yi Hong.) A girl I met not very long ago. Room mate to Undarmaa. She's a China mainland girl with a heavy chinese accent. She tends to get very unreasonable sometimes, but come on, girls are always unreasonable. (*braces for impact.*) Someone *cough* had a crush on her awhile back, I don't really know if that worked out well, but, I guess I'll find out soon.



Specimen 1.214x - The Nikkius Somethingus (Nikki, something!) Ex-Girlfriend of the Nigilius Gilbertius. Don't know her very well, but she's a pretty cool person. I mean, just look at her eyes. Can you do that? :O I sure can't. She was just coincidentally there when I had my camera. She's pretty camera shy.

Specimen X-2 Oscarus Lu-us (Oscar Lu.) An American born Chinese (an A. B. C.). There's actually whole story behind him, but I'm not getting into that. He's a little naive, but a little ian-corruption can change that very much. He's a very nice guy, but he needs to get out more, he can be surreal at times. But when it comes down to it, he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.


Specimen 21.8434-XXX Tanus Verinaus (a.k.a. The Awesome.) He's so awesome, when he walks into a room, girls gets orgasms. He's so awesome. The moon blushes when he smiles. He's so awesome, he pwnz you. Moo.

Specimen 2.1b Renee (no scientific name.) This unknown species walked out from man's primordial ooze billions of years ago and still unable to be identified, or categorize into any known genus or species. Only known as a female sex of her type, alot of questions remains about Renee. All I know is, she works at the dining hall sometimes and is a pretty cool person. :P

Specimens 1.9 and 1.91 The Xia and the Nik. (No scientific name.) - Similar to Renee, they remain unidentified. They're part of the "group" (see pg. 2414 - The anatomy of the ian.). Basically, thier the ones I hang out with from time to time. Nik is an american born Indian and Xia is an american born Chinese. If you can't indentify who's who. You are phail.

- - - - - - - - - - -

A result of overly lengthy Genitalia.

Anyway, we stuck around a little while at McCollum. Eventually, I left them at the Studio cause of my utter boredom. Headed back as Katelynn Invited me out to Hookah that night.



Hookah is Shisha for those of you who're Un-americanly educated.

- - - - - Friend File B - - - - -

Specimen 2.8b Katelinus Poorus (Katelynn Poore. ) One of the friendliest and funnest people I've met up to date. We've been texting unstoppably lately as we have become pretty tight. She's seriously a person you'd want to know, kind, good hearted, deep-cleavaged. I haven't know her for very long, but I would like to, very much.



Specimen 3.2x Hanboooooooooh (Yu Han Bo.) An American cultured Chinese from China. He is so funny sometimes, he reminds me a little bit of Paul ( A friend back in Malaysia.) The funniest thing happened thursday night at the hookah bar. He was convinced to come along to the Hookah bar and he decided to do work there. But when he got there, he realized, that the most important part of his work, he left at home. Very smart. ( That was sarcasm.) But that aside, he's an extremely nice person. Some people say I look like, or remind people of him.

Specimens 4.1 and 4.2 (4.2 is one the right.) 4.1 - Benjaminus Goeringus and 4.2 Alius (Benjamin Goering and Ali.) Basically, everyone in Americas' all round nice. They're helpful, they're polite. Ben is above that average. I met Ben awhile back at a frat party. Ben lives on my floor in my dorm. The weird thing was, I didn't know he lived on the same floor until I saw it on his Facebook. It was weird I didn't run into him at all whilst I was at templin. His girlfriend, Gaby is too one of the very nice people that I met at the frat party, and discovered lived on our floor. Ben's a really nice guy to be friends with.

Ali works at the Hookah House. He's from Saudi Arabia, the last I heard. He's always very welcoming as we step into the Hookah bar, he plays the drums as the night plays on, it creates a very arabic ambiance to the Hookah House. He's also in my Psych 104 class.

They are both, very cool people.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Well, after heading the the hookah bar. Hani, another worker and a really cool guy at the Hookah bar invited KP (Katelynn) to Neon, this club behind mass street. I asked if I could come along. So, after the Hookah house, me, ben and KP walked over to Neon for some dancing and drinks.

If you're 21 and below, you get a cross in marker on your hand saying "No drinks for you!" My hand looks very fat in this picture. Sadly. :( *thinks about removing*)

The Bottleneck/Neon

Neon was fun. I didn't dance alot, but it was enough to get the blood pumping. I guess it was cause of the lack of alcohol before dancing. Ben played the role of the gentleman as he volunteered to stay back and watch our coats and sweaters. I definately liked it more than The Axis. The whole layout is different, but very nice to be in.

The clubs here are pretty strict on alcohol, sadly. Clubs here close at 2. It was 2.10 as me, ben and KP sat next to a window, all of a sudden, the bouncer came along and told us it was time for us to go. There was like, half a cup of rum and coke left in Ben's cup. I was like "can I finish that", and he said "no, it's already 2 and you're sitting next to the window."

It wouldn't have taken me an hour to finish half a glass of rum and coke.

I got back home that night, a little bit nauseous. I went to sleep at 5, and woke up the next morning at 7.30. Rushing to study for my psych test. Which I clearly didn't need. But a little more information never hurt anybody.



Happy Valentines, everybody.


Ian - Valentines? NOOOOOOOOOO.