Warm Shower

I took a long,

warm,

shower.

Ever so lately.

I sat there,

and watched,

the water flow,

down

me.

I was cold,

for a second,

or two,

and warm,

for three.

But I sat there still,

Movement-less,

Breath-less,

Brain-less.

I lacked,

Power.

I took a long,

warm,

shower.

Ian.

There are no boundaries.

Why do you hate yourself young boy,

stand up.

breathe.

live.

Why do you kill yourself inside?

stop it.

learn.

conquer.

Why do you want so much?

close your eyes.

don't limit yourself.

Why do you bind yourself here?

Fly.

Lift.

Take.

Why are you concerned of the world?

or the birds and the bees,

or the people that are in it.

You shouldn't care,

what anyone says.

There.

are.

no boundaries.

Ian.

A many splendoured thing.

So after getting dicthed by my friends a day before, I headed down to Batu Pahat to pay respects to my dead grandfather. 

I sat there in a fluster, at the back of the car, wondering what would lie ahead for me in the future; what happens when college ends? will I ever find true love? why am I so frustrated? Life seemed extremely bleak to me - everyday, things of interest turning into a pathetical cycle of which I hate. The same routine day in and day out - get up, go to class, come home, sleep. I sat there and gazed through my tinted windows; I peered into the darkness and realized how my life was so similar to it. A black abyss with little bright spots here and there - little happy things that actually do happen in my life, and the rest, total and utter meaninglessness. But sometimes - few may ask this question; is the night sky filled with little spots of light? or is it merely a black sheet with holes enveloping the light? Retardedly irrelavant things like this come into my mind every single day.

I heard a joke today - it amused me

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

You poke-her face.

:D

Ian.

Angel

Beautiful.

In the arms of an angel,

fly away, from here.

from this dark cold hotel room,

and the endlessness that you fear,

You were pulled from the wreckage,

of your silent reverie,

In the arms of an angel.

May you find, some comfort here.

Ian.

Oh where for art thou

Oh, just let me be a dying cow,

shriveling in the sun,

A ruminant not to be remembered, 

But only the number 2341.

Let the heat cook my meat,

as I feel the shooting intense pain,

oh let me feel the euphoria,

and those who remain my bane.

Oh, just let me die here,

in this field of green,

Let my blood flow into the earth.

Let it stain the soil,

Let it depress mother nature,

as I boil.

Ian

Sleepless Nights

Oh night, how I loathe thee,
How you turn the silence into your weaponry,
How you playfully taunt me.

The silence, It looms,
it unsettles my heart,
Pierces my soul,
Like Art.

Blinded, I am,
in this dark little room,
as emotions fly by,
that spell doom.

Those nights I had,
Your voice enticed,
Seduced my every whim,
You were my vice.
My bad habit that wouldn't go away,
The call that I'd wait for,
Every;
Single;
Day.

Why do i commune in such verses,
With poetry like curses,
That leaves me so emotionally raw,
Vulnerable to the the world,
As I thaw.

Oh Sleepless nights,
Just leave me,
For left alone,
Is all I want to be.



Ian

This is where I die.

I'm sorry I've been posting alot of poems lately. Have been rather moody about life and future and crap. I'll promise I'll blog sometime later about the Jon McLaughlin Concert. Soon.

This road right here,
So hard and firm,
Is where I will die and bleed and burn.
as I feel the spikes pierce my skin,
As the walls of my heart grow thin.

The flames the envelop me,
In a ring of death,
where fiery imps, elephants and juxtaposes,
dance as they would at a fair,
around and around they go,
as my skin scorches so.

Why'd you leave me here to die?
You ran so quick,
in a blink of an eye.
"I have to go, I can't stay here,

You're a lost cause, my dear."

After I tried,
So bloody hard,
To make you feel better,
You and your broken heart.

I guess it makes sense,
That you do not even care,
It makes sense that words so hurtful,
causes me so much despair.
It makes sense that your arrogance,

is parallel to your incompetance.

I shall die now,

In hatred and distraught,

thinking of you, my love,

and my souls is taken,

from this spot.

Ian

I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I will, soon.

Where are you?

I'll wait by this window everyday,
and watch the flowers grow;
and watch the vines climb higher and higher,
as they kiss my window sill.

I'll wait and feel the summers breeze,
rubbing against my cheeks,
for a thousand years, it wouldn't matter,
I'd wait and wait and wait.

I'll wait and brace through the storms,
the snowfall and the dawns,
and watch flowers die and bloom,
as I wait here in my room.

It could be a month, a year, a century,
but I wouldn't care,
for your arrival is all that fills my heart,
and eliminates my despair.

Where are you?
My Love,
I'll wait for you here.
I'll wait for you through thick and thin,
until you appear.

I'll wait by this window everyday,
as history repeats,
death, life and everything,
they mean nothing to me.



Ian

A poem to the daylight break.

Transcend my dear, transcend!
O'er this tainted, bleeding land,
Fly above the stratosphere,
Above the clouds that come so near.

Fly o'er villages, where pain and poverty,
becomes nothing more than a daily novelty;
O'er dark rivers with dead fish,
Where human ignorance trumps nature's bliss.

Glide across the silent houses,
which seem fine at first, but as the moon arouses,
become torture houses to children and mothers,
Why, oh why are there such ignorant fathers?

Now dive across parliment,
home of political harassments.
Watch them as they fight ignorantly,
as if, it's their country.

Stop. Now fleet.
For even the most silent movement of feet,
may trigger landmines that lay sleeping,
under soil where soldiers attempt creeping.

Don't tear, my dear, please don't,
why cry? When the humans have given up hope?
Why give damn of how they feel?
Hath you not seen what they do?
They fight,
They kill;
ravage.
Can't you see, that their savage?

Why try to mend thier hearts?
when you know they'll always soon part?
Why try to heal their world so vividly?
When you know they'll trample it again instantaneously?
Why try to even care at all?
When they've thoroughly closed the door.

"But they try their best to change!"
how sure are you they will?
"But they hope and pray for life!"
So what? it gets even-ed out in strife.
"But.. but.. everyone makes mistakes."

"Everyone makes mistakes?"
It hit me.

Everyone makes mistakes.


The sinews of my heart unwound.
It was so true, so profound.
I realize now, that hope is above ground.
my logic was bound.
They do fight, for a reason,
to live, that was given.
They do cherish life,
In it's essence,
and even in the precense,
of the insane, the idiots,
there are those that stay true.
To their hearts warmth,
To god's holy dew.

I see now, that they fight,
they fight to see the morrow's light,
I see now, that my angel talk is flawed,
and hope is finally thawed.
I see now, that is all it takes,
the urge to see the daylight's break.




Ian

12/1/2009 post:

Hello readers :D (though there aren’t many of you.)

I know I haven’t really been updating on a daily basis, but that’s mainly just cause I’m too busy with too many things to be there blogging. I’ve moved in to Templin already, and as I type this I am internet-less. Sad, but true, I’ll have to find out how to post this up soon, I can’t possibly just live without internet.

If you’re wondering, I’ve been assigned a room with 3 other white guys, I’ve only met one of them online, the rest are pretty new to me. The ironic thing is that when I moved in today, the only people I actually saw were the two I had no contact with. If I’m not mistaken they were named Scott and Tommy. The one that I’ve met on facebooks’ named Reece Petrick. He seems like a pretty nice guy, I sure hope he is. But they say everyone on the 6^th floor In tempin is generally nice. The 6^th floor is also the honours floor. I really have no idea how I got here in the first place really. I mean, I’m not even taking the honours program, and I’m sure everyone else on this level is.

It’ll be super embarrassing if everyone finds out and starts talking!

School hasn’t started yet, but that hasn’t stop me from enjoying every moment here in KU. Weirdly enough, what everyone has said is true, you generally hang out with more people that are your own type. In that sense I mean, being foreign. I’ve yet to befriend an all-american guy. But I have met a few girls during orientation though.

Moving in today was really a hassle. Everything was scattered everywhere, I was so lazy to move, some of my friends actually had to come in and help me put my stuff in the drawer. I think it was mostly caused by the illusion that my parents didn’t care enough to place a comforter for me in my baggage, I became so stressed out and reluctant, I just lulled on the ground moaning while a couple of my American roommates (who were minding their own friend from another room) stared at me in this really “wtf are you doing” face. You know what they say! The first impression is everything XD.

I’ve been farting a lot lately, it must be from the excess intake of carbo. Why? I hear you say? I’ve went to two Chinese buffet restaurants in two consecutive meals. I went for dinner with my friends on one of the night. Sadly, the night came to an abrupt end when Oscar (This Peruvian guy) said there was just too many people to risk jumping hookah bars for me to join in. There were like 6 people, I’m too young, the required age to hookah is 18. So If they carded me, all my friends would have been kicked out, and we would have to go to another hookah bar and try again. (Hookah is Sisha by the way, it’s pretty popular here in Lawrence.) By the way, I can get into clubs here! But sadly I’ll be tagged and not allowed to purchase any alcoholic drinks. :S Such a drag.

As I was saying.

That night at the buffet, I ate like 2 plates of food and then the nausea from the horrible tasting Chinese food kicked in. (Friendly advice, KEEP AWAY FROM AMERICANIZED CHINESE FOOD.) I don’t know how to tell you this, the food here is all upsized; Upsized and tasteless. The monotonous intake of chicken with more or less the same sauce is enough to send to hurling and garbing your entire stomach out. Believe me, just STAY AWAY. It’s not cheap too, it’s around RM 50 for a buffet. Sigh, apparently I missed out on a lot of fun that night.

The next morning, I joined my other Malaysian/Singaporean friends for a meal in Kansas City. ANOTHER Chinese buffet. I was all buffet-ed out, but I guess I didn’t have a choice, so I ate for what I paid for. It’s all in the psychology of it to eat like a pig, but sadly, I’m not mentally strong enough to resist eating my money’s worth. I’m Chinese you see :P I’m cheap to every single penny.

I’m all alone here in the living room of the dorms. It’s like this little place with chairs and tables for everyone that lives in the dorms come to for some activities and stuff, I don’t know where my roommates are, I don’t know where my friends are, I’m all alone for now =(

There are these 3 cups that are stacked together on a table next to mine, and there a paper slid underneath em’ saying “free ( Take them )” their so tempting to take, but like, I would feel pretty cheap if I did take them =D So I won’t. But I bet someone like Genna will!

I miss everyone back in Malaysia, I wish I could send all of you individual letters and updates on my progress here in America, but sadly, I don’t really have the time. I guess I should really go back to my room now, I really can’t be bothered to sit here in the common room that’s like freezing cold in shorts. Did I mention it’s bloody cold here? It actually snowed today, and when I was walking back from my dorm, there was a really strong wind that made the blistering cold even more blistering.

I really wonder how the other out-of-malaysia Malaysians are doing. Like trixie, Aaron, Jialik. Too bad they don’t post much *COUGH COUGH COUGH* I know don’t also okay! But bear with me! =D

Now I’m going back to my room. Woohoo :D

Ian.