Alone.

Alone.

That defines how I feel everyday. Not, not the being a girl part.









God save me.

Ian.

It rained tonight.

The sky is clear now. Dark, but clear. I sit here, in my room, just imagining the life ahead of me. It rained today. I can smell the musty air that brings back memories from the past. I remember days that I just sat next to my windowpane and watched as the sky let down it's tears. Savoring every moment - Who knew? Something so simple could bring so much joy to a young boy. I sit here now, staring into the blank sky. From my perspective I'm able to notice the droplets of rainwater that still hang from several tree leaves. I glance towards the outside world and imagine of the horrors that we face in the night. The hundreds and thousands of muggings, rapes, murders going on in this cruel sadistic world. Then I think of the fearful emotions that rear their ugly heads in the middle of the night, being worried that those cruel things may really happen to you. Anxiety, Fear, Animosity - examples that far to well play out their persona in the darkness.

I have no idea, why I'm like this. Why I've gotten up to this point just to get crushed down again. Why do I need to care so much about something that shouldn't even be relevant. Why do I care about a person so much that will not, and does not show any initiative to care back? I'm just a fool, just another idiotic fool trapped in the rat race. I've broken down time and time again, I try to change, I try to rant it out to my friends. It helps, but how much can it really help? I feel as if I'm starting to burden them, and I don't think it's a very nice thing to do. But what can I do? I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm heartbroken. There are times that I sit in my car, after reaching my destination. I just sit there, and bloody think. Think of all the implications of what I've done; Think of all the hatred that exists inside me; Think of how I should smile even though I feel otherwise inside. Believe me, you wouldn't want to see that side of me. The side that's so dark and emotionless, it'd bring bitterness to the teletubbies.

I need salvation, to grasp me in it's hands and deliver me from this pain. I act as if I'm the only one with this problem. I know I'm not, but I hurt, every single day just as bad as the worse of the lot. I mean I'd rather give up my life than suffer this pain. People say they understand, but really, do they? I can read most people, they say they understand entirely what I'm going through, but they don't have a single clue. It's true they might have had some experience back in the day. But It wouldn't measure up to this. Say what you want "You're being a pussy Ian", "Oh for fucks sake just shut the hell up about it already". But, I'm really, really, desperately lost. I need someone just to hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be okay.

It rained tonight, and I can finally think clearly. I've decided not to let go. Say what you want, I'll hope, and beg, and dream. That one day, I'll get that fucking chance, and I'll be, for one moment in life, the happiest guy on earth.




And for those who want to know why I'm not going to prom. That's the answer right there. I can't watch someone succeed that I've aided up to that level. SPM may be over, but believe me, I'm feeling worse than ever.




Ian.

I just realized?

I'd give up 1 BILLION dollars, if it were a choice between it and you.
OH-MY-GOD why am I so desperate?

Oh fuck this.




Ian

Chemistry.

Chemistry was the crappiest paper I've sat through yet. I mean, they've really hit an all time low setting paper 1 easy as hell. I think 90% of the student body taking Chemistry in my school have scored 40+/50 for paper one. I scored 48, made 2 silly mistakes, but it can't really be helped. Paper 2 was a little harder, but it was still considered easy when compared to the rest of the previous papers. Paper 3 was the hardest, but still, it was on lvl 1 If you were playing some platformer game. I think that I've really wasted my time studying chemistry, that yesterday's cram session was a waste of time. Gah, aww well, now the bar's gonna be raised freaking high, and the A1 score would probably be like 85 again - the default mark. I do hope that those ulu people really screw up and give in a blank paper. It would count for something If I get to Improve my previous E to an A1 for spm.

Oh and I think Mr. Yow hates me. He just ignores me most of the time. I'm not really bothered, just wondering what I did that deserved me being ignored. I mean I can go right out to him and swear and I think he'd still pay no attention. Well, I guess that's that. So much for a teacher that blocks you on msn. LOL. Atleast I think he did.




God please deliver the ulu people to faulty marks. Thanks.

Oh and do tell what you think of the new, but not so professional banner I made last night at 4am :P Comments deeply appreciated.



Ian.

One in an Ian.

Click on pic to go to site. Or alternatively, click here.


One in a Million, after 2 years of wanting to join to act like an idiot infront of the entire Malaysia. Here I come. Watch out bitch.



Ian

A Class to remember

Credits to Ms. Lik Lik Lik.

2 Names weren't on that piece of Art Block before the last day of school. But I realize now how much time I've lost with them. But it's okay I guess, seeing as we're friends now. But even through our squabbles, the things we do together as a class, I'm happy to have been a part of 5 Mozart. It's over now, but it'll always love you guys.







Here's a few songs I've recorded at a studio, only recorded once because we had no time. So don't blame me if it sounds bad. ._.




Ian

Noli me Tangere.

I need no one that has no faith in me.

Nor a person who's not able to put a bet on me.

I need not a person that thinks of me as a failure.









Ian

Ian studies very hard for spm.

caption "damn you bitch, stay away from my dreams."



YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS oh-my-GOD.


Ian.

Broken Hearted

You'll never understand. Would you? :/

Stop haunting my bloody dreams! Just let me forget about you or I may one day find myself dead.



-edit-

So i woke up with a bad dream today. It was pretty sad. It was how some people decided not to be my friend anymore, or rather my love interest after I stood them up at a basketball court. Meaning I didn't show up for a date :/


I feel so sad. Extremely Sad. I wish god would just rip my guts out for me and be done with me. But that will never happen, now will it?

I hate the feeling when I wake up in the morning and realize nobody's there. It's really quite tragic. Well Addmath and Moral's tomorrow. It's 7.30pm. I haven't studied a single thing in moral. Addmath's pretty stable though. Sigh. Spite me.






Ian.

SPM.

I just received word that I'm leaving on the 30th of Dec. Bloody hell.
Good thing or bad? I wouldn't know really. More time in Malaysia; Less time in America.

It's leaning towards good. But on the other hand, less time to see Genna, so that sucks. I really hope everything turns out right there.


I know we all want to.





Ian

I can't feel.

I am me; A man of immense power, of immense respect; I am me; A man that rules the world and bears lives on his shoulders; I am me; The greatest man alive, the one that will conquer the earth as you know it. But even with the power, the money, and the riches. Why do I feel this way? It has been one too many times that I’ve drifted off into the crowd. People, they surround me, they engulf my entire being. It’s like… I’m there; but yet I’m not. My body goes into autopilot and my spirit drowns within my heart No longer do I feel, nor do I understand. That is my life, there is nothing more. I have no one, naught a friend to lean on to – people just use me for my power; naught a man to find his soul – for It’s the only way I keep myself in tact; naught a human to have feelings.

I am numbed by the daily life that I have to go through. The step by step routine that never fails to proceed as planned. Business endeavors, financial meetings and office moderation – these are merely the warm-up for my daily routines. Sometimes I’d even spend days without sleeping to close a deal. I earn billions. I own a house that’s half the size of the Whitehouse. I have 15 cars in my garage. But yet, I have not been happy as of late. Not even close. My Days go by so subtly I hardly believe that I’m alive anymore. Sometimes I’d snap back into my more humane self. I’d literally realize I was alive, it always is a breath of relief to know that I still have that minute bit of humanity left floating within me. But it never lasts long – not more than 2 minutes. I regularly get dragged down by some urgent business emergency. I am not happy, only once have I been able to feel joyfulness, and that was a long time ago.

In high school, I retained superlative results. I excelled in many things. I accepted accolades beyond my wildest imaginations. Maybe I was happy then, because I had peers to share them with, peers that could understand my distress. Though I was still numb whenever I received an award, it’s not as bad as it is now, not even close. I struggled with my life, hiding my emotions. Yet, I’ve never said a word to anybody how I really felt. There was a friend though, once. He actually opened his ears to listen me, he gave me a piece of his time so that I could be vulnerable for once in my and let another person see the life from my point of view. Things happened, and things got complicated. At one point it became so awkward that we wouldn’t even speak in real life anymore, not even as friends. I don’t know how to show my emotion, because I was never brought up that way. My parents have taught me not to let my emotions get the hold of me. I guess I took that too seriously. We parted ways a few months after that, and I haven’t seen him since, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not regret losing him as a friend. Because he was the only true one I had.

I had a girlfriend. She was gorgeous. From he curves to her eyes, to her cute little dimples. She was amazing. Every man that looked at her had their eyes hooked for at least ten seconds. She was the ultimate beauty queen. Poised, graceful, and everything a man could ever ask for. She was beyond caring, she even made me soup when I was sick and made me feel like one of the happiest men to ever inhabit the face of the earth. The one regret I had during that period is how I never treated her as if she was really there. I lusted over her, to be honest. But never have I talked to her intimately as a boyfriend would. I ignored her needs, ignored her beliefs, and lost her. A few months later she courted with my best friend, and that was that. I couldn’t help but to depressed then. But it was too soon that I severed those feelings and moved on with my pathetic life.

Things went downhill after that. In terms of my emotions that is. I hardly even felt the basic emotions anymore. Happiness, Sadness, lust, not one emotion played a part in my daily life. I went through life objectively and there was nothing more. Why? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why do I want to feel, but cannot. I have no one. Not one friend. Not one person I can truly talk to. I need salvation from the madness of this world. Maybe then I’ll finally feel again.

Ian.

New blog.

New blog. New posts. Why?

Because I found out my parents read my blog.

Things have to change.

But it doesn't change the fact I'm the Emo-est guy this side of weirdoville.





I'll post later


Ian.