The sky is clear now. Dark, but clear. I sit here, in my room, just imagining the life ahead of me. It rained today. I can smell the musty air that brings back memories from the past. I remember days that I just sat next to my windowpane and watched as the sky let down it's tears. Savoring every moment - Who knew? Something so simple could bring so much joy to a young boy. I sit here now, staring into the blank sky. From my perspective I'm able to notice the droplets of rainwater that still hang from several tree leaves. I glance towards the outside world and imagine of the horrors that we face in the night. The hundreds and thousands of muggings, rapes, murders going on in this cruel sadistic world. Then I think of the fearful emotions that rear their ugly heads in the middle of the night, being worried that those cruel things may really happen to you. Anxiety, Fear, Animosity - examples that far to well play out their persona in the darkness.
I have no idea, why I'm like this. Why I've gotten up to this point just to get crushed down again. Why do I need to care so much about something that shouldn't even be relevant. Why do I care about a person so much that will not, and does not show any initiative to care back? I'm just a fool, just another idiotic fool trapped in the rat race. I've broken down time and time again, I try to change, I try to rant it out to my friends. It helps, but how much can it really help? I feel as if I'm starting to burden them, and I don't think it's a very nice thing to do. But what can I do? I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm heartbroken. There are times that I sit in my car, after reaching my destination. I just sit there, and bloody think. Think of all the implications of what I've done; Think of all the hatred that exists inside me; Think of how I should smile even though I feel otherwise inside. Believe me, you wouldn't want to see that side of me. The side that's so dark and emotionless, it'd bring bitterness to the teletubbies.
I need salvation, to grasp me in it's hands and deliver me from this pain. I act as if I'm the only one with this problem. I know I'm not, but I hurt, every single day just as bad as the worse of the lot. I mean I'd rather give up my life than suffer this pain. People say they understand, but really, do they? I can read most people, they say they understand entirely what I'm going through, but they don't have a single clue. It's true they might have had some experience back in the day. But It wouldn't measure up to this. Say what you want "You're being a pussy Ian", "Oh for fucks sake just shut the hell up about it already". But, I'm really, really, desperately lost. I need someone just to hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be okay.
It rained tonight, and I can finally think clearly. I've decided not to let go. Say what you want, I'll hope, and beg, and dream. That one day, I'll get that fucking chance, and I'll be, for one moment in life, the happiest guy on earth.
And for those who want to know why I'm not going to prom. That's the answer right there. I can't watch someone succeed that I've aided up to that level. SPM may be over, but believe me, I'm feeling worse than ever.
Ian.
I have no idea, why I'm like this. Why I've gotten up to this point just to get crushed down again. Why do I need to care so much about something that shouldn't even be relevant. Why do I care about a person so much that will not, and does not show any initiative to care back? I'm just a fool, just another idiotic fool trapped in the rat race. I've broken down time and time again, I try to change, I try to rant it out to my friends. It helps, but how much can it really help? I feel as if I'm starting to burden them, and I don't think it's a very nice thing to do. But what can I do? I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm heartbroken. There are times that I sit in my car, after reaching my destination. I just sit there, and bloody think. Think of all the implications of what I've done; Think of all the hatred that exists inside me; Think of how I should smile even though I feel otherwise inside. Believe me, you wouldn't want to see that side of me. The side that's so dark and emotionless, it'd bring bitterness to the teletubbies.
I need salvation, to grasp me in it's hands and deliver me from this pain. I act as if I'm the only one with this problem. I know I'm not, but I hurt, every single day just as bad as the worse of the lot. I mean I'd rather give up my life than suffer this pain. People say they understand, but really, do they? I can read most people, they say they understand entirely what I'm going through, but they don't have a single clue. It's true they might have had some experience back in the day. But It wouldn't measure up to this. Say what you want "You're being a pussy Ian", "Oh for fucks sake just shut the hell up about it already". But, I'm really, really, desperately lost. I need someone just to hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be okay.
It rained tonight, and I can finally think clearly. I've decided not to let go. Say what you want, I'll hope, and beg, and dream. That one day, I'll get that fucking chance, and I'll be, for one moment in life, the happiest guy on earth.
And for those who want to know why I'm not going to prom. That's the answer right there. I can't watch someone succeed that I've aided up to that level. SPM may be over, but believe me, I'm feeling worse than ever.
Ian.
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