I can't feel.

I am me; A man of immense power, of immense respect; I am me; A man that rules the world and bears lives on his shoulders; I am me; The greatest man alive, the one that will conquer the earth as you know it. But even with the power, the money, and the riches. Why do I feel this way? It has been one too many times that I’ve drifted off into the crowd. People, they surround me, they engulf my entire being. It’s like… I’m there; but yet I’m not. My body goes into autopilot and my spirit drowns within my heart No longer do I feel, nor do I understand. That is my life, there is nothing more. I have no one, naught a friend to lean on to – people just use me for my power; naught a man to find his soul – for It’s the only way I keep myself in tact; naught a human to have feelings.

I am numbed by the daily life that I have to go through. The step by step routine that never fails to proceed as planned. Business endeavors, financial meetings and office moderation – these are merely the warm-up for my daily routines. Sometimes I’d even spend days without sleeping to close a deal. I earn billions. I own a house that’s half the size of the Whitehouse. I have 15 cars in my garage. But yet, I have not been happy as of late. Not even close. My Days go by so subtly I hardly believe that I’m alive anymore. Sometimes I’d snap back into my more humane self. I’d literally realize I was alive, it always is a breath of relief to know that I still have that minute bit of humanity left floating within me. But it never lasts long – not more than 2 minutes. I regularly get dragged down by some urgent business emergency. I am not happy, only once have I been able to feel joyfulness, and that was a long time ago.

In high school, I retained superlative results. I excelled in many things. I accepted accolades beyond my wildest imaginations. Maybe I was happy then, because I had peers to share them with, peers that could understand my distress. Though I was still numb whenever I received an award, it’s not as bad as it is now, not even close. I struggled with my life, hiding my emotions. Yet, I’ve never said a word to anybody how I really felt. There was a friend though, once. He actually opened his ears to listen me, he gave me a piece of his time so that I could be vulnerable for once in my and let another person see the life from my point of view. Things happened, and things got complicated. At one point it became so awkward that we wouldn’t even speak in real life anymore, not even as friends. I don’t know how to show my emotion, because I was never brought up that way. My parents have taught me not to let my emotions get the hold of me. I guess I took that too seriously. We parted ways a few months after that, and I haven’t seen him since, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not regret losing him as a friend. Because he was the only true one I had.

I had a girlfriend. She was gorgeous. From he curves to her eyes, to her cute little dimples. She was amazing. Every man that looked at her had their eyes hooked for at least ten seconds. She was the ultimate beauty queen. Poised, graceful, and everything a man could ever ask for. She was beyond caring, she even made me soup when I was sick and made me feel like one of the happiest men to ever inhabit the face of the earth. The one regret I had during that period is how I never treated her as if she was really there. I lusted over her, to be honest. But never have I talked to her intimately as a boyfriend would. I ignored her needs, ignored her beliefs, and lost her. A few months later she courted with my best friend, and that was that. I couldn’t help but to depressed then. But it was too soon that I severed those feelings and moved on with my pathetic life.

Things went downhill after that. In terms of my emotions that is. I hardly even felt the basic emotions anymore. Happiness, Sadness, lust, not one emotion played a part in my daily life. I went through life objectively and there was nothing more. Why? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why do I want to feel, but cannot. I have no one. Not one friend. Not one person I can truly talk to. I need salvation from the madness of this world. Maybe then I’ll finally feel again.

Ian.