I am not who you think I am.

There are not many things that upset me in life; sometimes I may act frustrated or the exact opposite of appealing when confronted with something - but do I really detest the thing I'm confronted with inside. Not most of the time.

The way I act, fun, happy, insane. Isn't the picture of which I want you or anyone to see me as. Sure, it's fun for me to be happy, insane, or whatever you call it. But I'll stand by the fact, that that's not me. It's merely the outer shell. I don't like it when people fucking judge me for who I am without getting to know the deeper me. You don't understand the magnitude of wisdom, or knowledge i poses; nor do you realize the amount of passion I inject into everything I do. When I sing, I don't sing with merely the mouth, or my diaphragm, or my vocal chords. I use my soul, my heart, my emotions, I pour everything into what I do, and if you can't bloody see that, then, that's your loss.

Oh,

And I'm quitting facebook.




Ian.

Recording myself

Time to start a channel.



Hallelujah



Falling Slowly


Love,

Ian

It's a wonder where time stops and nothing matters.

I'm here now, finally in America and all settled down. Though, I totally hate the fact tomorrow's the start of school again. I used to like school; it's like the thrill of it has totally fluttered away.

Something's wrong with me again; It's like that lingering feeling on emptiness is looming about once more. It's not because I don't have someone to love; nor is it because I don't like my current lifestyle - I was talking to Undarmaa like an hour ago, and for some reason it just hit me, my life means nothing.

I mean, what are you going to get out of school? Work? FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? It's so bullshit how life is set up like that. I was initially looking forward to working; but now, I don't really think so. Those suicidal feelings are crawling back ever so slowly - I won't do it of course, I never will, plainly because I'm such a pussy.

I just wish there were more meaning to life. Like something to cling on to to make me feel real for once. I don't want anymore drama or heartache. I just want to feel like I'm worth something; It's really too bad I don't have the image to be a very famous singer.

Genna, Nat, I miss you guys so much. Like, unreasonably much. I wish we could revert back to high school days when everything was so simple; monotonous, but simple. Not saying I totally can't cope with life right now; I just think there should be a better way to live life.


I need closure damnit.




Ian.

It's time.

This blog has become nothing but a past time; It shouldn't be, it really shouldn't. I'm going to start passively being proactive on updating this blog after I get back to America. For some reason I do things better when I get into the beat of things.

It's amazing how summer flew by so fast. I would say I've seen alot of friends this summer, but that would be lying. Pretty much everyone I have seen, I saw a few times throughout the summer. (Except the particular bitch who didn't seem to grasp the concept of commitment.) I've been spending majority of my time with Genna Gan; just doing stupid things we do. Like driving around with the purpose of getting lost; awkward moments where the silence seems to be choking us, but yet, we enjoy it. Me and Genna share a pretty sadistic relationship if you ask me, pretty sadistic indeed.

Well It's almost time, 2 more days and counting before I pack my bag and re-enter that cycle I tend to create for myself. Slaving away, trying to achieve my goals.

I hate it - I can't express how much I'm ready to go out and work. I don't find a need to study anymore. Fine, If i were to go into a more professional line, sure, I would need to study more. But as for me, I see opportunities everywhere, you don't even need the credentials to do them.

It frustrates me that the Malaysian Mindset is so simple. It's as if they're purely daft human beings living on merely impulse and false beliefs. I know, most of you don't see it, but our society today is flooded with Chinese-based middle-aged business men that have half, or even quater of my caliber and drive. I'm so insanely sure that given the right information needed for the job (Not so extensively that you have to go to Uni.) I could easily gain the profit of the typical Fat-Chinese-Malaysian business man.

It pisses me off when people lack intelligence. The lack of capacity to think and rationalize; they do immature things unconsciously; their conduct is simply unbecoming - Yet, they label themselves as "Adults". The authority is merely in the class they have been put in, and in my eyes, to everyone else, It's simply discrimination.

No one takes what I have to say seriously, because I don't have the credentials to back me up. When I talk to my friends they simply give me a blank stare and nod in agreement. Genna Gan simply says something to fill in the void, trying to make it seem like she's following what I'm saying, or she gives a damn. But she doesn't, they don't.

It's a wonder how Malaysia has been staying afloat this long.

Ian

Complexity.

We are as simple as we think.

We are whatever we think, so says the famous philosopher Pythagoras, "Man is the measure of all things."

But yet we are complex beings; but we think we are not. Then, if what pythogoras says is true, then? Are we or are we not complex beings?

From our daily struggles, to the things that enter and exit our minds everyday. It has almost become painfully obvious, that our complexity definitely rises above that of a simple sphere, or a cube, or a triangle.

Then what be this argument but a spear that can pierce through anything and a shield that can withstand anything coming together?

Contradictions.


Urk.


8 more days.



Ian,

Don't you just hate it.

When you order something over the internet, wait like 2 weeks for it to finally arrive. The anticipation builds up so large, and in the end, you get dissappointed because of a few minor kinks of the otherwise flawless system.

Such as the F1-F9 keys being retarded.

Sigh.

Ian

Posts without pictures.

:(

I wish I had my new laptop - It's coming tomorrow, then I can start using photos again.

Anyway.

I enrolled for school today. The gravity of the situation just dawned on me once again - It's time to go to school. Don't you just hate it when you realize the holidays over; and most of the time, you feel like you haven't experienced anything at all. It's tragic really (that's how I feel right now.), it's like everytime i think of it i sense impending doom - as if I'll keep studying, studying, studying, and that's life.

To top all the anxiety off, I just enrolled for 6 +/- grading scale classes. "Why is that so bad" I hear you ask, those of you who don't study under the american system. Well, let me just tell you why.

On a A-D scale

90-93 = A = 4.0 GPA

On a A-D(+/-) scale

90-93 = A- = 3.7 GPA.

Life.

Sigh.

Ian.

I Am Fat.

I just got back from Bangkok. Like 2 hours ago, and something has really been bothering me.

I'm sure all of you who've seen me in the past few weeks have noticed - I've let myself go. Between the tom yam and pad thai in bangkok, i would say I've easily gained even more weight throughout in just 3 days. It's amazing how much I can gain in so little time.

It's contradictory really; and I'm sure i'm not the only one. I absolutely LOVE to eat, but yet, I hate to look fat. Why does god taunt us with such vices and knows that we will at some point fall for them, and then again punish us when we get hooked to said vices. But then again, I don't even believe in god; do you? (Really, do you.)

Ever since I can remember, I've thought of ways to lose weight - quite unsuccessful i may add. I'd wrap my hands around my waist, and squeeze really hard, in hopes that if i squeezed hard enough, the food that i just consumed would go right through me. (If you know what I mean.) I would do bridges in hopes that that would strech out my tummy, causing the concentrated fat lump to be spread out, making me look thinner. Not to mention the thousands of "NOW I GO ON DIET" revelations that happened throughout the years.

I know I'm weird.

Personally, I hate these rituals; it just makes me seem like I have OCD; maybe I do. But who knows? Maybe those little rituals did work; I mean, i wouldn't know what would've happened if i hadn't done 500 kicks a day in an attempt to lose weight; Maybe i would've gotten even fatter than i would've if i went throught with all of em' rituals. Think about the Placebo effect; maybe it was strong enough to have kept some weight off me, but was not strong enough to help me achieve my desired look.

Either way.

I'm not giving up on these rituals.

Urk. I'm Insane.

Ian