I Am Fat.

I just got back from Bangkok. Like 2 hours ago, and something has really been bothering me.

I'm sure all of you who've seen me in the past few weeks have noticed - I've let myself go. Between the tom yam and pad thai in bangkok, i would say I've easily gained even more weight throughout in just 3 days. It's amazing how much I can gain in so little time.

It's contradictory really; and I'm sure i'm not the only one. I absolutely LOVE to eat, but yet, I hate to look fat. Why does god taunt us with such vices and knows that we will at some point fall for them, and then again punish us when we get hooked to said vices. But then again, I don't even believe in god; do you? (Really, do you.)

Ever since I can remember, I've thought of ways to lose weight - quite unsuccessful i may add. I'd wrap my hands around my waist, and squeeze really hard, in hopes that if i squeezed hard enough, the food that i just consumed would go right through me. (If you know what I mean.) I would do bridges in hopes that that would strech out my tummy, causing the concentrated fat lump to be spread out, making me look thinner. Not to mention the thousands of "NOW I GO ON DIET" revelations that happened throughout the years.

I know I'm weird.

Personally, I hate these rituals; it just makes me seem like I have OCD; maybe I do. But who knows? Maybe those little rituals did work; I mean, i wouldn't know what would've happened if i hadn't done 500 kicks a day in an attempt to lose weight; Maybe i would've gotten even fatter than i would've if i went throught with all of em' rituals. Think about the Placebo effect; maybe it was strong enough to have kept some weight off me, but was not strong enough to help me achieve my desired look.

Either way.

I'm not giving up on these rituals.

Urk. I'm Insane.

Ian