And when I was there.

And when I was there,

I said.

"Why are all if you sitting here?"

They stared.

Nothing was said for a brief few seconds.

Deafening;

Deafening;

Silence.

"But what about justice?"

I asked to them;

"What about it?"

They rebutted;

nonchalant.

"But what about humanity?"

I asked to them;

"We don't have any"

said they;

unruffled.

As we witnessed an innocent;

innocent;

person get burned;

Poked with sticks;

Doused with oil;

Burned Alive.

And that was all that could be said about humans;

The general rule.

Be he a teacher,

a student,

a lover,

a hater,

a ruler,

a peasant.

Be she a warrior,

a writer,

a dancer,

a singer,

a tyrant,

or a friend.

Selfish.

Unforgiving.

Humans.

Ian.

Whyyyy!@#!

Mother CIBAI. I can't seem to get him out of my head.

Fuck it that I see him everywhere I turn.

Stupid infatuation, go away already,

I don't need you here.

Ian.

Fine, I lied.

Something has become apparent to me. There are many people I cannot stand living with, and there are some I can. Those who I can have one really prejudice criteria that I'm just force to pronounce.

Their Asian.

It's hard to live with someone that I don't have anything in common with. It may be shallow, but it's the hard truth. I've imagined myself living with white people a few times, and even in my mind it's just not happening. Some close friends I have just make it seem impossible for me to get along with them in a room-mate setting.

I think even If I did get married, that person would have to be Asian, otherwise I wouldn't be able to live myself down.

And so I thought of him.

Not saying that my current roommate sucks though,

he's a great guy and all, but we currently aren't technically

"living together."

We get along very well, though.

I don't think I'll give up,

just because I've already formed this stupidly unreal dream in my head.

I won't try anything.

but maybe one day he'll feel the same.

Ian.

Once again.

Another very inappropriate time to dive into some blogging.

T-minue 2 hours till exam time, and I'm not 3/4 ready.

But anyway.

Isn't it amazing how alcohol makes things so much better? I mean, i have to admit, I was very very very very very very very anxious last night. It was mostly attributed to the whole boy mess that I created to myself. Usually, it would take me a really long time to get over something like that.

But it was weird this time.

I took 2 shots of McCormicks before I started studying at like 3. (Kind of why I am where I am now.) and everything became clear again.

It was like someone hit the reset button within me and now my feelings are null again.

I thought of the negatives while I was drunk.

I guess it was like a state-like memory thing.

It's said you remember details of a situation better if you are in that same state again.

and I remember when I first saw him,

I was drunk then.

I realized why I didn't really bother in the first place.

because he was shallow,

and that one night blinded me from what was set right before me.

He just gave off such a shallow image,

that that one night at his place made me feel like as if he had a soul.

Maybe he does,

I'm actually very sure he does.

But not as much as I would really like in a person.

I'm not really trying to be arrogant in anyway here.

But given my bhuddist background, materialistic things have so far become unimportant to me.

I've learned that nothing is more important than one's belief in oneself,

or the strength of one's heart.

But I saw nothing of that in him that one night,

and my intuition was probably spot on.

Hence. I have come to a conclusion in my brain and my heart.

It was all an illusion.

and henceforth, I shall just remain his friend,

that is, if he would consider taking me.

Though,

I'm not exactly the friendliest person around.

Ian.

There are no boundaries.

Why do you hate yourself young boy,

stand up.

breathe.

live.

Why do you kill yourself inside?

stop it.

learn.

conquer.

Why do you want so much?

close your eyes.

don't limit yourself.

Why do you bind yourself here?

Fly.

Lift.

Take.

Why are you concerned of the world?

or the birds and the bees,

or the people that are in it.

You shouldn't care,

what anyone says.

There.

are.

no boundaries.

Ian.

So, there's this boy,

I've never really talked about a guy on my blog before. But I really don't care anymore.

So I met this guy. He's the most sophisticated, smart, handsome, and most importantly mature guy I've met for awhile. We met about 3 months ago at a party. I was ignored the entire night, he didn't even bat an eye at me, it seemed like he hated me.

About a week ago, I started talking to someone who knew him online. She posed this whole stunt so that this guy could text me, and he did, at like 3am in the morning, I was just playing magic cards, all was right. Turns out, he was just shy at the time.

Then at about 4am, he asked me over. Me, being the liberal douchebag I am, agreed, just because I thought he was that hot. We spent about an hour drinking wine (I was gulping it down.) and talking. It was, for me, a very very good experience to meet a guy I could connect with. I can't with most guys, it's weird.

I slept with him that night, drunk and inebriated.

Then the next few days was weird. I needed closure, I tried texting him, he never texted back. I tried talking to him on facebook, he didn't really reply. I was angry. I really, really needed closure.

At some point, I got a text saying that he was working all day and night and had really no time for socialization. I really doubted it to be the case, it doesn't take a lot of effort to return a text.

I became obsessed. Facebook opened up a whole new path to stalking, I looked at all his pictures, his videos, his wall. I felt like a complete and utter creep. It didn't end there, I continued trying to text him, he didn't really seem that interested in me.

he wasn't at all. Turns out.

I wasn't "mean" enough for him. He judged me on the first impression I gave. Just because I seem like a softy on the outside doesn't mean that I have no constitutions or thoughts of my own. I do, and I always will, and I'm way meaner than he thinks.

But that was the excuse he gave me.

But that's really never an excuse to give anyone. I thought he would have been straightforward, but he wasn't.

I guess it was mainly my fault for trying to get in so deep so quick. I just have a tendency to open myself up to people. I went even so far to even write him a song. Don't get me wrong, i'm not THAT much of a creeper. I write songs in less than 5 minutes, and he just inspired me to write a song. That must have creeped him out. It wasn't his fault though, I'm just Ian that way.

I imagined myself with him so much in the past week. Sickly delusions of having him in my arms and such, when I know a guy like that would never really like me back. He just seemed like the perfect example of a guy that I would date in my head.

But what can I do? When I don't have the ability to keep my feelings inside.

I feel really bad now, like I've been torn apart, when I shouldn't be. I feel used. I feel like a booty call. (a not very good one at that.) Why did I kid myself all this time?

Proves that I probably will never find somebody to love.

Just because I always expect the same amount that I invested in return. I always invest too much, so no person would ever be able to give me that much back in return.

I thought he was amazing. Everything I want, and always wanted in a guy.

Most guys I come across aren't even my type.

But he is my type.

But he doesn't give a fuck if I live or die.

so.

I'm making a revelation.

I shall learn from someone I once knew, Wui Yang, and detach myself from any need of a relationship.

I don't need a guy that doesn't appreciate me for who I am.

or a guy that doesn't care enough to text me.

or a guy who's sole intention when engaging a guy is lust.

I'm sick of the immature retards out there who can't seem to comprehend any communal ethics;

I'm sick of the people who are just so selfish.

That night meant more to me than to him.

It's not his fault.

It's all mine, and mine alone.

I'm done.

Ian.

Vloggo Firsto Attempto

First attempt at vlogging haha.

Tell me what you think

Be kind! it's my first.

Caffeine Inebriation.

Love,

Ian.

Procrastination Nation

It's about 5:30 a.m. now, and it has been a very unproductive past few hours. I can't seem to get my heart off many things that are going on in my life now. I think there are some things that I have to list down that are vital to you, the reader to getting to know me a little better.

1. I sing a lot.

Say what you want. But I've been struggling as a child to make it somewhere with my singing. In primary school, during Music period, my teacher would always tell me to shut up over and over again, just because I tried to sing louder and harder than everyone else in the group. I truly sucked back then, I'd have to admit.

Then I moved on to highschool. Where people like @trixieyap (haha, wish that worked here.) made fun of me over and over again. They judged me and compared me to people like @nikirfan and @nikenaishah, whom, I have to admit, at that time were only slightly better than me. Even if they were, it was because we fell into different categories.

I can hear @trixieyap say it now "excuses, excuses Ian."

But nonetheless, I guess what I have lost in encouragement back then, I gained in strength now. I would have always be undermined by people like Ms. Foo who not only didn't encourage me, but brought me down to the pits of my singing career. Mr. Zach, however, gave me privilleges that he took away soon after, at the arrival of "better" singers.

It doesn't matter though, that's all past and gone. I'm just looking towards the future now, singing as much as possible in the few practice room in my dorm. Singing from my soul, hoping one day I'll get somewhere with this voice of mine.

2. I'm gay.

You heard me. i know that most of you out there know already. But I really don't care. My parents are probably going to judge me hardly on this. Their going to tell me to remove this from my blog. But I really want to just say it out, and say it proud. I'm gayer than the day is long.

If you're going to ask me how I found out? That's probably a very personal question and I should tell you, i'll only tell you if you e-mail me at tanvernian@gmail.com HAHAHA. Or I'll think you're a creeper and I won't reply.

To those of you who actually give a damn, like my cousins or relatives. I'm sorry i didn't tell you guys earlier. it's just that I used to find it a taboo thing. It's gone now though, either you accept me or get lost. :]

But you need to know something, dear reader. I am not gay because i was born this way. It was a choice I have made from several events that have happened in my life. I decided that having sex with men is way better than with a woman. Besides, it makes it more special, because it's hard to find another gay guy. We're like 10% of most communities, and to find one that you're suited to? Not that easy because, I am, indeed, a very hard person to deal with.

On that note.

3. I like being special.

I like the attention. I'm going to admit it and never retract it. I love it when i'm the one that sticks out like a sore thumb I like it when I'm just the one singular extinct species among many. It just makes me all the more unique. That's kind of why I take pride in being one of the only gay-malaysian-soul-pop-folk-acoustic-can-speak-fluent-english singers out in America today. Well, of course, I've yet to be noticed by anyone.

4. I'm arrogant as hell.

I think I'm smarter than everyone. Though this may not be the case in all scenarios. I feel that I have enough cognitive power to outrank most people. Seeing as how I've gone through so many weird scenarios in life, I've been put into positions where I have to learn to adapt (not saying that you haven't done the same thing.) that has given me some pretty formidable interprative intelligence. I look at the world differently, I don't like things that don't make sense.

I think that knowledge is a waste of time. Sure, it's there to help us advance. But you can be a rocket scientist and still not be able to interpret a situation considerably well, or atleast make sense in doing so.

I may be an arrogant fool at most times. But everything i say (when I'm serious) I've thought through enough to help my arguments retain water. But of course, this post in itself is an arrogant statement.

But whatever. It's your choice on whether or not you want to judge me as a extremely liberal person.

Oh.

5. I'm very very liberal

Seriously. I'll very charitable when it comes to most things. I'll consider your point of view. Make a good argument, and I'll consider. But if you don't, I'll still think about it. I can talk about most anything. Just simply because I don't think anything is off limits.

Seriously try me.

I should really be studying.

Dear reader, I hope you know me a little better now.

Till next time

Ian.

Today has been a very awe-inspiring day.

Today has been a day, it wasn't much too long, nor was it short. Like most other days, it comprised of many awkward, bizarre feelings that we as humans, are sadly burdened to feel: Depression, anxiety, hate, love, anger - just some of the examples.

It gets me thinking of why we strive so much as human beings. Why bother, when all these emotions are only substantial, and what lies at the end is nothing but oblivion. Just think about it, you're going to go through life, be it work, play, school etc. and the only thing that surmounts you at the end of the day is the feeling of distrust towards man, or some awry feeling of the sort.

It pisses me off that people around me are trying to make their life more practical by plastering a layer of "fake" on top of everything. It all has to be a game: you can't go too far into something without taking minor steps first; you shouldn't try something you don't believe will end well. The unwritten rules of humanity. A burden.

It gets me thinking of Jean Paul-Sarte's existentialism and it's truth int he world today. How true the fact that we are just beings of anguish that walk this earth without anyone to guide us. The despair we behold through our lives, the feeling of being forlorn. Where are you god? If you do exist, why aren't you doing your best to make us all happy. Given - we cannot be truly happy by logical means. We cannot frolic in the fields forever and waste our time away, as we learn nothing, we don't grow, we don't think. But then again, why bother? when nothing seems to be beyond the shadow of a doubt pointless.

Pointing man, by Giacometti. A testament to existentialism.

It gets me thinking about an argument I remember from a Philosopher. (It may be Jean Paul, but I can't seem to place my finger on the exact person.)

Is there a god?

If a stapler is given a function, to staple things. Who gives it his function? Is it the person that made it? Is it the person who uses it? If it were, then where is that person? Are we truly being used by someone? Are we being objectified by some higher being.

Who is the giver of our function? So far, it only seems like the only thing that can define who we are, is the government, and even they, at their best, only have so much control over what functions we may or may not proceed with. Then who is our creator? If there was one, why didn't he give us a name? He didn't, so far as history can tell us, (even the fake one in the bible, or any other manuscript you may like to argue.) God, (in relevance to the bible.) did not mention that we were called "humans". Sure, he named the first two people "Adam" and "Eve", but has he ever uttered the word "human?" I think not. We are all not named Adam, or Eve.

If it's not apparent to you by now. I present you to you my case - we are who we are, and we are our own gods. We define our functions and our name. We created language, we created sophistication, we created jobs, we created a community. We are our own gods, and nothing in this world can argue otherwise.

-- - - - - --

It's a wonder why I have spent the day just wasting away playing card games, or staying online before a bright screen. When the thoughts as above enter my head, all I can think about is my life and it's functionality, and I can't seem but accept the suicidal thoughts that force their way into my head.

The truth is, I want to die. I can sympathize with every other person with that sentiment. However, I disagree on why most of the suicidal attempt it. Because they don't understand why it's arguably okay for you to commit suicide.

-- - - - - --

I can already hear you arguing - It's not okay for you to take your own life. You will merely hurt the people around you, cause them grief, and we don't need any of that floating around, now do we?

It's not the case of what other people feel, nor is it the case if anything we do is pious or impious. If my arguments above are valid, then, if we, as our own gods, define our function as one to die, then yes, we should die.

Why do we want to die?

Because we don't have a true purpose. When emotions, heart, soul, blood, tears, veins, sinews, piss, semen, thoughts, anxiety, are merely just a worldly possession. When the truth is, people around us don't really mean that much to us. My mother, my father, my sister, my brother, wouldn't be as important, more, or less important than the person reading right now.

We don't have a purpose, and because of that, we need to concede our lives. Because of that, we define our action as death, and with that, we will be purged of these burdens that we sometimes take privilege of.

Then why aren't you dead Ian?

Honestly. I do not know, and I'm not going to try anything to kill myself. Even though my life is not worth living. (nor is yours, or anyone else.) We as a community have defined lives with a sickly principal - that we are required to preserve it. It's not that I'm scared to break rules, but through the years of that one ideal burned into my head, that's the only thing right now stopping me from stabbing myself in the heart with a knife.

I won't die, don't worry, dear reader, I won't be dying for a really long time.

and till then,

I wish you well.

Ian.

I can't breathe

It seems that I can never keep my distance from someone that I like. What the fuck is wrong with me?

By the way.

Do you guys think that saying "I'm too mean for you" means anything?

Because I sure don't think it does. Not anything significant, atleast.

Ian. - Re-Broken.

So,

you were just working.

-_-

ian.

It's that time of year again!

You've heard it time and time and time again. "It's that time of the year again!" Where the children play in the snow. Where we search for the hidden presents in the house. Where grandma comes over and cooks dinner. When cheesy christmas movies sprout like wild mushrooms. Where we stuff ourselves with cookies, and throw up afterward. When bonds of love become stronger, somethings thinner.

That's what she said.

:D

Ian.

It angers me. I think.

It's weird how life always leaves me in a state of limbo: I can't seem to hit a certain high, or even a low for that matter. I'm never happy enough to consider myself in a state of euphoria, nor have I ever been depressed enough to literally hurt myself. (Though some of you may think i have tried.); It's weird, how I always start a passage with "It's weird" or something along the lines. It speaks alot of my monotony, I guess.

Things here have been great so far. But it may seem that the drama from American High Schools have been transacted over into their dorm counterparts. Everyone in the dorms seem to have a tendency to rack up some drama whenever something dies down, when the world reaches a state of peace for a flash of a moment, one person always seems to create waves and encourage the vicious cycle that is anxiety.

So far, I've had my share of drama, with my naivety of American Culture, I effed up a large part of what could've been great friendships with my tendency to smother people with attention, when i myself crave it more than they do. It transalates to desperation, so they say.

But after that experience, i've tried to change - to tone the attitude down and attain more allies than enemies. I settled differences with people whom I have wronged, and people who may have read my actions in the most undesirable way possible. But that was to no avail. Drama still exists on the floor of which I live.

Ironically, I have been targeted by one of my own. An American "Malaysian" (Who is malay.) that seems to afford symptoms of schizophrenia. With his delusional ideals of himself. He is skinny, loud mouthed, and most possibly one of the least favourited persons on the floor. It's gotten to bad that he's so far convinced himself that one of my girl-(gendered)friends are abrasive on dating him simply because he is leaving for spain at the end of the semester. (Thank God.) He displaces his anger on me, saying that I (Because I spend so much time with this girl.) convinced her that she shouldn't go out on a date with him. But it's quite the contrary: In the pre-eliminary stages, I happen to be the one that actually encouraged her to go out with him, to give the boy a chance, but it seems that this "Malaysian" mistook me for badmouthing him.

The worse part about all of this is, that even after the girl told him that he was entirely not interested. Made it a point to go out of her way to avoid him (taking random routes to avoid the common room.), he still is "secretly" convinced that she still likes him. He has gone to the extent to lie and say that he's dating another friend of mine, my friend that doesn't seem to know that they are going out on dates. When I told the girl that he has been telling people about them "dating" she told me she already knew. Pointing out the fact that gossip even prevails in dormitories. She stayed calm but yet, she didn't do anything to confront him, he hasn't intiated a direct assault onto her, ergo, she found no reason to assault him back. It grew even worse, the "Malaysian" kept lying to everyone, saying he's going out with my other friend. He started to displace even more hate upon me, thinking that I'm talking bullshit behind his back.


T B C.