Goodbye, Malaysia.

It's 3 a.m. now, sharp, and chances are I won't have time to post before I leave tomorrow.

For those who have been asking again and again, I'm leaving at 2:30 to Singapore but I'll be entering the waiting area by myself at 1:30.

That's the worse part about all of this, you know. Being given the gigantic responsibility of holding on to an explicitly large amount of money to be used for the next few months in some foreign country. I'm scared, like seriously freaked out right now. I can't believe in a few days I'll finally be in the US after so much planning. (Kudos to my parents who did the most part, I just sat for the exams and picked what I'm going to bring over there.)

I don't want anyone to show up to see me off tomorrow. Mainly because, Natalee isn't going, and that kills me. I mean, If my bestest friend in the world can't make it, why bother? I'd rather it just be me and my family.

I had my last Mc. Donald's Ice Cream with Nat today. It sorta became a ritual of ours to always pick up a chocotopped ice cream on the way to OU or whilst I'm giving her a lift home. It isn't a really old tradition, but a tradition it was. I can't seem to get the idea out of my head, how much I'm going to miss her. She's been the one that has given me a shoulder to cry on, a person to lean on when I'm not at my best, and now, It's time to say goodbye. What's even sadder is the fact that we probably won't even be able to contact one another whilst we are in our own Schools, mainly because of time difference and connectability. I can't say how important you are Nat, but you are, and I hope you know that. I hope tomorrow morning when you come over we get to really say goodbye. I'd hate to not see a smile on your face as I leave Malaysia.

Genna and Nat

Genna. You are by far, the weirdest, most-aggravating person on earth. With your puns and your derogative comments just leave me wanting to kill you everytime. But I love you, so much. It's sad that I won't see you for awhile. Laughing about 18SX content seems to be one of my favourite pastimes with you. I'll never forget the sleepover, thanks for being such a good host.

I just want all of you to know that. No matter what happens, you two are my top priority, then comes the worst crush every and then Wan Ru. Sorry Wan Ru, I dare say that we've grown apart. Although I love you tons, but still, we haven't been that close in a really long while. Though, you're still in my top list of people I'll try my best to keep in contact with.

I somehow feel detached now. Like theres a plug on my heart that has been just plucked out. It's really nausiating. It's like I want to cry, but can't. I want to die, but can't. I can't do anything! I'm just so human. Unlike some people who just break promise after promise.


Nat's apparently not coming for my farewell because of her mother that wants her to head to Genting Highlands. But I swear If she's lying to me, and made me tear for no reason whatsoever, I'll choke her to death at KLIA. =( I love you Nat!

Chinese New Year Lanterns.


Looks like I won't be getting any Ang Paus during chinese New Year. Sad thing, that.
Though I've recieved alot of money from relatives and friends. I thank you, for all the generous wishing of luck and early ang paus, it's very much appreciated. Especially my cousins that have made me feel so happy that I have people like that who care so much. I love you guys.


Especially my Cousin In Law :)


Credits to EePing.

I'm leaving you all behind, and I hope you all will remember me, as I'll remember all of you. Well, most.

A day may pass; Two; Three,
But Understand what I wish for thee,
I pray for happiness, Joy and goodwill,
To all my friends, you know the drill.
May our paths and sinews once again intertwine,
and we can once again toast to the good times.



Ian

When it settles in.

When it settles in, thats when the pain sears; Thats when you realize, you've already wandered off too far, and now you're deep in the middle of the sea; Whe it settles in, thats when you realize you've been wounded, been cut; Thats when you realize that your leg has almost fallen off.

It has settled in for me. This feeling of anxiety, it has settled in so bad.


I know It's a common feeling for those that are studying abroad next year. But for some reason, the feeling has been amplified even more because I'm going alone. Yes, Alone everyone more or less has someone going with them - Wui Yang has trixie, Adelyne has mummy. Even if they don't have anyone thats going with them, I bet you that they don't have 3 bloody transit flights in 2 days.

for those who do not know yet, I'm transiting from Malaysia to Singapore; from Singapore to Narita, Japan; from Japan to LA. I mean, imagine If i get lost. That's it, game over, I don't want it to be game over! A lost Ian in Japan isn't exactly the most fortunate thing that can happen. Though, the sushi would be good.

I don't know if anyone else is feeling this. But can you imagine waking up in the morning, and realizing it's your last day in Malaysia. Your room, with your collective memoirs that are piled up on a side. You then head to the breakfast table, and you can just see that smirk on your parents faces, as if they were unwilling to let you go. You start eating breakfast, and your mother comes up to you and pats you on the back and tells you, "Take care of yourself now, I won't be there anymore." Fine, to many it may sound like nothing, but to be in the midst of that, or atleast a few days away from that feels just.... Horrid.

Nat threw me a surprise farewell for me today, I'm extremely touched by everything, by the people who actually took the time out to come and say goodbye - though there weren't really many people who came, I'm happy that I got to see some familiar faces for the last time. Probably for forever.

Many of us have a very high chance of actually not crossing paths anymore, not in this lifetime.

Thanks, Nat.


I really can't believe it's time, for me to fly solo. Leave the nest and fend for myself. I'm thankful, to everyone really, that has played even a minute role in my life. Be it enemies, friends, family. Without all of you, I would be incomplete. I love you all.

Flight.


To those who i've hurt in the past. I'm sorry, and I pray that you can forgive me, for all that I've done, because it's probably the end of the road now, and I'll never see you again. I'll be returning in 1 and a half years. The chances that I'll ever come back the same time as people that have went off to other countries are extremely slim.



I have nothing more to say. But, I just hope the best for everyone in their everyway. May you all find love and happiness.





Love,
Ian.

It just Hit me.

I have 6 days left. Just like SPM, it's going to go by. Fast.


Help.

I have anxiety Issues. I can imagine the morning when I'm about to leave. Alot of crying and sadness. Omg.


HELP. PLEASE.





Ian.

Of life and death.

The Obituary of Elizabeth Chandy.


With all due Respect, I hope that there are no oppositions from me posting this.

This is Elizabeth Chandy, the Sister to Susan Chandy from Sri KDU, my previous school. A few months ago, I remembered how she stood infront of our class shushing us, trying to keep the noise down. Now, she's dead. She died from a heartattack a week back, the 8th, if I'm not wrong. I won't say much, because I have no right to really comment on this issue, as I wasn't really there to see her die or to attend her funeral.

What I will say is, I'm sorry. For all that I've said behind your back. I'm sorry of how I bombarded you with bad comments and curses while you were not looking. I now know how short our lives really are. If I could, I would take it all back and have been nicer to you. Bah, who am I kididng, If I didn't know you would have died, I wouldn't have changed the way I feel. I guess the lesson I've learned here is to cherish everyone I know or cross paths with every single day. It's a lesson learnt I guess, and I hope peace in your afterlife.

It's weird, how I feel regretful, yet not so much at the same time. I guess It's just cause I wished I could have done something to honour her death. But as I said earlier, I'm in no position to say this, everything I've said is purely just my comments on how I should have conducted myself, and not on how she was before her passing.


May you rest in peace, Elizabeth Chandy - Ex Subsitute Math teacher for F5 Mozart and several other classes.






Ian. - Cherish Life.

14 More days.

It's coming. Really fast. I hope I get to see most of you before I leave.





Ian.

Of Friends and Betrayal.

Read the emo blog for a more "Elusive" take to how I feel right now.

Digression is advised.

How-D-Ho everyone. Today I've decided I don't need to know some people. I mean, whats the point? From this point on in my life, I'm more or less solo already. I won't see many of you anymore, maybe for life, which saddens me a quite a bit, but not enough to drag me into the pits of despair. But you know what, I'm betting many of you feel the same about me right now. That you really don't give a damn what happens here on out, as if you guys gave a damn in the beginning anyway.

I'm just here to say one thing today.

Goodbye.

To those who I'll not meet in the near future, or the future to come. I hope all of you have a really great life. This is where, we truly part ways. Well, for me atleast.


I really can't stand some people when their so blur they can't see how angry a person infront of them is. It pisses you off some more doesn't it?



:) So I'm saying an early goodbye. To not one, but all of you.




Ian.

To all ex-5 Mozart students. (Class of 08)

Someone we all knew, and hated, died.

One person that many of us cursed to death;
One person that made our lives miserable.


Do you feel sorry?
Cause I do.

No, I'm not joking.




Ian.

Split Blog.

A new banner.

I decided to split my blogposts. If you're willing to read my really really emo blogposts about all the hate in the world, feel free to click on that right there :)



Ian.

Natalee Tan - The best friend.

The most retarded picture yet of her.

This is Natalee Tan. She's my best friend, well atleast, in my mind, she is. She's stuck to me for awhile now, 5 years if I'm not wrong. Well, we didn't actually begin talking to each other the way we do now. It started back in form 4 when me and her got categorized under the same class. As fate would have it, we cross paths and I stuck on to her the way a remora fish would stick onto a shark. (Hard to be imagined, since I'm the obviouslly bigger one.) Through the years though, we've had so many escapades I can hardly count them

.remora fishies and a shark.


I remmeber back in form 1, I sat infront of Nat and Ch'n Wen If i'm not wrong. I can still feel myself scratching my head and letting dandruff fall all over her table and making her go "Ian! STOP IT". Fine, maybe she didn't really go "Ian! Stop it!" But she did say something along those lines.


Nat remains one of the weirdest girls I've ever met in my entire life. Wait, slash that, she's a contender for one of the weirdest people I've EVER seen. I mean, she acts as if she has OCD and does things at her own tempo, but she always does so many weird things you'd never think of. For example, she once told me that she had to turn off the lights 4 times before she sleeps, or something along those lines. She's also one of the little people I know that carries a camera around everywhere snaping pictures of random things. Emphasis on the word little :D. Lol. Did I mention she's short!? She's so short oh-my-god, you won't believe how short she is. Fine, She's not that short. Sheesh, you bunch of blog readers are such killjoys.


There are too many times that Nat has helped me unstuck myself from sticky situations, and when I say stick situations, i mean deep shit. Like when I get scolded for not completing my Moral project, Nat's the one that joins me in the quest to defeating the evil Mr. Raj. Fine, he's not evil, but still, he screamed at me in the staffroom, how much more abusive can you get? Screaming at such a nice, sweet, boy in a staffroom, you'd have to be a bad bad man. Fine, I'm just joking. Fine, I'll stop using fine. grr.


We've done so many things in the past that I'm proud off, and I share with her something that I don't with many other people. She's like a sister to me. Ironically enough, it feels sometimes as if she's my bigger sister. I know I don't say this much, or almost never at all.



THANK YOU NATALEE TAN.



for everything.


Here's a medal of bestfriendness. I made, by hand for you.


No. 1 BFF.


I know you won't care much after I leave, but you are something really important to me. Without you it's like having one limb-less. I doubt I'll survive on my own two feet without you sometimes. But of course, my doubts are normally proven wrong! You're an amazing woman Nat, with humungous Breastes :D. You have a very splendored future ahead of you.

I hope to spend the time I have left with you, well, if you care to that is. =)



A very bad picture of me but a very okay picture of Nat.



Love,

Ian.

Time is running out.

Time.


The countdown begins as I await departure from Malaysia. 20 Days are left on the clock, and I can't seem to grasp any of it tightly. It's 2 a.m. now, and I'm waiting for Gossip Girl to finish downloading. I'm so tired. Tired of everything, my life, my heart, my idiotic means to live.

I've been having too many holidays lately, I've so far been to genting, and penang, and frankly, i'm sick of going places. I just want to stay home and try to organize some outings with my friends that I don't have much time left with. It's sickening. I have to depart for genting again soon, for some AIA concert thing. Then I'll be off to langkawi, the week after that. Before that I'll be taking my piano exam, grade 3. Yes I know I'm a noob, I dropped it back when I was really young, and felt that I owed it to myself to learn some piano before I leave this god forsaken muslim country.

I feel neglected, by everyone. By certain individuals actually, but I guess they can't help it, their too busy with their individual things. I want bonding time with Nat, Gui Fen, and Ch'n Wen. They've been such dear friends to me, since the beggining till the end of my highschool life. It feels weird doesn't it? To say goodbye to highschool. I mean, years ago I don't think I'd imagine myself driving and doing things that I'm doing now. It gives a feeling of emptiness within me, or rather, euphoria.

I missed prom today. Stupid of me eh? Not really, I don't feel it be a need to go to a prom that isn't planned out as well as it should. I don't regret it, and I never will, because I didn't have someone special to go with.

Anyway, I hope that I can spend more time with whoever's reading this right now, before I leave, do give me a ring so we can go out and have fun, cause I probably won't see many of you anymore.






Ian - Tripping the life fantastic.

P/S I think I'll start posting about the people that are important to me.

One in a Million. (Slightly updated.)

As I've said in an earlier post, I was joining one in a Million this year. But before I tell you my results, lets have a little runthrough of my grueling day at time square. I didn't sleep the night prior to the competition - wasn't tired. So, I pretty much used to computer till 5:30 am then nat arrived at 6 something. My dad gave us a lift, (technically, I drove the mercs down and he drove it back.) I told Nat we had to be there early so that we could be one of the first that made it in.

One in a Million

We arrived on site at around 7 am and surprisingly, there were people already waiting outside the hall. We met a few people, without giving a name to their faces, their names were Timothy and Dani. They pretty much accompanied me and Nat throughout the entire process. As the day went on, it got way more crowded. At some point, they told us to line up, thank god me and Nat got a chance to squeeze in the front of the line. Believe me, the line was LONG. But even with our luck, the bloody coordinators were there to ruin it. They made the people from the back line up into 4 individual lines, helping them CUT infront. To make it worse they said "rush in!" forcing everyone to stampede in, making it completely unfair for those who've waited longer than those who came later.


Ian waiting in line

Let me give you an illustration of how this unfair line system worked.

Rush!

The orange dots are basically malays, the yellow dots are chinese and the black dots are well. You can guess. and I made the coordinator guy a little darker cause I don't like him very much.

But the point is that we got inside, and once we got inside, after waiting for an hour outside. WE HAD TO WAIT ANOTHER 2 HOURS TO REGISTER. I swear the workers there were slower than well.. sloths. I think if you replaced them with sloths, the lines would've gone much faster. They were chit-chatting, doing their nails, and slowly verifying the information. Basically making everyone wait a long time to get registered.

Eventually though, I got in with Natalee. It was this really large hall you wouldn't expect to exist in time square. Like this secret hideout with dusty carpeted floors. It was rather disgusting. So we waited and waited like good little puppies. There were some people that were allowed to sing to the crowd. There was a girl in leopard wear that stood out. Well.. stood out as a bitch. Her voice was so pretentious and retarded, yet she claimed herself as the best. She was wearing this really kinky leopard outfit and blond-dyed hair that doesn't seem her style at all. God she was a loser. Niken is 20x better than her at singing no one.

But after atleast 5 hours of waiting since we arrived on-scene, my number ( 9162 ) was finally called. We were asked to move to a rather coveted section of the hall. All the people in my room were wondering what was about to happen, since just another part of the room doesn't seem like the most appropriate place to judge a competition. After a short period, we were asked to move to a another room, our curiosity was solved. Not too far from the hall, around a corner, were 2 rooms that were set up where the competition really began. I was posted to room 1, where the "senior producing director" - Zeb was put in to filter the first line of people. The contestants waited with bated breath as we were momentarily allowed into the room. Zeb waited there vigilantly. Why this suddenly start to sound like some cheesy teenage book.

Lets cut this short. I don't have all day.

I sang Hallelujah and Somewhere over the rainbow ( because the judges wanted a song without the guitar, well, judge.) 2 guys and 1 girl ( including me ) were asked to proceed to round 2, 2 malay guys were let through to the next stage. Meaning, me, another chinese guy, and Putri, this super fantastic girl that blew me away with her singing, went under the "maybe" catergory. I mean like what the hell? The 2 guys who got in couldn't sing for nuts. Don't believe me? ask anyone of my group members, they ALL agreed the 2 who got in didn't deserve the right neither did they sing very originally. I mean one of them were tone deaf! WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT?

Putri

So we waited; and waited; and waited. 4 hours later, round 2 for my group finally started. Putri was put in my group again. We entered the room, this time, there were 2 judges, this vocal teacher, or so I was told. The vocal teacher was this mixed woman that was pretty nice to me. Unlike the first round. This round was done individually. One by one the contestants went in, then it was my turn. I sang the same songs as I was told to. "Awesome" The woman said as she thanked me and asked me to wait outside. Soon, everyone was done singing and waiting for the final results. Now it was whether you were in or out, no more maybes.

Normally the announcer would appear and tell the results, weirdly, this time I was asked to re-enter the room under the request of the judges. They questioned me on my genre. Like seriously questioned. "Do you think your genre can sell?" "Where did you get your genre from." Finally they ended telling me "We don't think your genre is fit for the competition." Well, Zeb said it, i don't think he liked me a whole bunch. They asked me to sing an upbeat song this time, on the top of my head. I sang "This love - maroon 5" and the woman said "Awesome" and let me out. 5 minutes passed and the results were out.

I didn't get in.

They didn't like my genre, it was evident. It wasn't because I couldn't sing, it was because they didn't like my genre, it was so fucking unfair. I heard that not one chinese got in, not one chinese guy atleast. In KL. Wonder why is that?

Here's a clue.

1 Chinese has won OIAM in the past

2 Malays have won.

What if another chinese guy wins? How would that look?

2:2

Look at the balanced. It has HAS to be another malay or indian guy to keep the balance. I doubt that the whole KL didn't consist of any one chinese guy who could sing. Unfair comp? Maybe, what do you think?

Fine, it's a pretty mean and racist thing to say, but it's Malaysia isn't it? Since when have we been graded fairly among races? If you say "Yes you have ian, you're just being unpractical" or whatever crap.

Fine, to be fair, lets look at this in another direction. Lets say that the judges really didn't like my singing style. And for people like trixie that are going to go "Oh-my-god la ian you can't really sing, and stop posting my name!" I got alot of good feedback that day at the hall. I had atleast 3 people come up to me, ( Or asked me to come to them ) to tell me that I had a beautiful voice and I'd sail through the first round, and it was pretty genuine.

Lets say, that they didn't like my singing style, my, Ian style, my voice that comes along everyone one in a million singers ( Fine, maybe not :P but i like to think so. ), shouldn't I still be given credibility for my originiality. I mean, almost every singer in that hall possesed an almost similar voice to one another. You couldn't tell the malay singers apart from one another because they were more or less singing the same malay song that made the day all the more monotonous.

Their slogan this year was apparently "Find your own voice" or, "Originallity." Oh please, I was way more original than any other guy singer in that stadium, I mean, they all had a very similar voice. Apparently, the standard this time was "Ayu's standard" anyone below that would get cut. I mean, she couldn't even really sing, there was this other singer, which was atleast 100 times better than her, and could actually speak ENGLISH pretty well. Ayu's pronouciation sucks so much it makes me wanna chew my head off. Fuck you Ayu. Oh and have you noticed not one winner of any music contest in malaysia has made an internationally known song? That none of their songs are as popular as singers like Guy Sebastian or even Taufik Batisah? Why is this you ask? Well, it's the dumb fact that Malaysia is so biased towards Pop-based singers that sing mostly malay songs even if they were chinese. I mean, buck up Malaysia! Start giving people who actually have a good grasp on songs that other people like and not songs you hope to appear in clubs a chance!



Anyways, I'm pissed now, Leaving off to genting AGAIN on wednesday, the 10th of dec 2008. Kinda sad to be missing prom tomorrow. But as long as I don't see that person dance with other people, I'm fine.






Ian.

Ian

Alone.

Alone.

That defines how I feel everyday. Not, not the being a girl part.









God save me.

Ian.

It rained tonight.

The sky is clear now. Dark, but clear. I sit here, in my room, just imagining the life ahead of me. It rained today. I can smell the musty air that brings back memories from the past. I remember days that I just sat next to my windowpane and watched as the sky let down it's tears. Savoring every moment - Who knew? Something so simple could bring so much joy to a young boy. I sit here now, staring into the blank sky. From my perspective I'm able to notice the droplets of rainwater that still hang from several tree leaves. I glance towards the outside world and imagine of the horrors that we face in the night. The hundreds and thousands of muggings, rapes, murders going on in this cruel sadistic world. Then I think of the fearful emotions that rear their ugly heads in the middle of the night, being worried that those cruel things may really happen to you. Anxiety, Fear, Animosity - examples that far to well play out their persona in the darkness.

I have no idea, why I'm like this. Why I've gotten up to this point just to get crushed down again. Why do I need to care so much about something that shouldn't even be relevant. Why do I care about a person so much that will not, and does not show any initiative to care back? I'm just a fool, just another idiotic fool trapped in the rat race. I've broken down time and time again, I try to change, I try to rant it out to my friends. It helps, but how much can it really help? I feel as if I'm starting to burden them, and I don't think it's a very nice thing to do. But what can I do? I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I'm heartbroken. There are times that I sit in my car, after reaching my destination. I just sit there, and bloody think. Think of all the implications of what I've done; Think of all the hatred that exists inside me; Think of how I should smile even though I feel otherwise inside. Believe me, you wouldn't want to see that side of me. The side that's so dark and emotionless, it'd bring bitterness to the teletubbies.

I need salvation, to grasp me in it's hands and deliver me from this pain. I act as if I'm the only one with this problem. I know I'm not, but I hurt, every single day just as bad as the worse of the lot. I mean I'd rather give up my life than suffer this pain. People say they understand, but really, do they? I can read most people, they say they understand entirely what I'm going through, but they don't have a single clue. It's true they might have had some experience back in the day. But It wouldn't measure up to this. Say what you want "You're being a pussy Ian", "Oh for fucks sake just shut the hell up about it already". But, I'm really, really, desperately lost. I need someone just to hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be okay.

It rained tonight, and I can finally think clearly. I've decided not to let go. Say what you want, I'll hope, and beg, and dream. That one day, I'll get that fucking chance, and I'll be, for one moment in life, the happiest guy on earth.




And for those who want to know why I'm not going to prom. That's the answer right there. I can't watch someone succeed that I've aided up to that level. SPM may be over, but believe me, I'm feeling worse than ever.




Ian.

I just realized?

I'd give up 1 BILLION dollars, if it were a choice between it and you.
OH-MY-GOD why am I so desperate?

Oh fuck this.




Ian

Chemistry.

Chemistry was the crappiest paper I've sat through yet. I mean, they've really hit an all time low setting paper 1 easy as hell. I think 90% of the student body taking Chemistry in my school have scored 40+/50 for paper one. I scored 48, made 2 silly mistakes, but it can't really be helped. Paper 2 was a little harder, but it was still considered easy when compared to the rest of the previous papers. Paper 3 was the hardest, but still, it was on lvl 1 If you were playing some platformer game. I think that I've really wasted my time studying chemistry, that yesterday's cram session was a waste of time. Gah, aww well, now the bar's gonna be raised freaking high, and the A1 score would probably be like 85 again - the default mark. I do hope that those ulu people really screw up and give in a blank paper. It would count for something If I get to Improve my previous E to an A1 for spm.

Oh and I think Mr. Yow hates me. He just ignores me most of the time. I'm not really bothered, just wondering what I did that deserved me being ignored. I mean I can go right out to him and swear and I think he'd still pay no attention. Well, I guess that's that. So much for a teacher that blocks you on msn. LOL. Atleast I think he did.




God please deliver the ulu people to faulty marks. Thanks.

Oh and do tell what you think of the new, but not so professional banner I made last night at 4am :P Comments deeply appreciated.



Ian.

One in an Ian.

Click on pic to go to site. Or alternatively, click here.


One in a Million, after 2 years of wanting to join to act like an idiot infront of the entire Malaysia. Here I come. Watch out bitch.



Ian

A Class to remember

Credits to Ms. Lik Lik Lik.

2 Names weren't on that piece of Art Block before the last day of school. But I realize now how much time I've lost with them. But it's okay I guess, seeing as we're friends now. But even through our squabbles, the things we do together as a class, I'm happy to have been a part of 5 Mozart. It's over now, but it'll always love you guys.







Here's a few songs I've recorded at a studio, only recorded once because we had no time. So don't blame me if it sounds bad. ._.




Ian

Noli me Tangere.

I need no one that has no faith in me.

Nor a person who's not able to put a bet on me.

I need not a person that thinks of me as a failure.









Ian

Ian studies very hard for spm.

caption "damn you bitch, stay away from my dreams."



YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS oh-my-GOD.


Ian.

Broken Hearted

You'll never understand. Would you? :/

Stop haunting my bloody dreams! Just let me forget about you or I may one day find myself dead.



-edit-

So i woke up with a bad dream today. It was pretty sad. It was how some people decided not to be my friend anymore, or rather my love interest after I stood them up at a basketball court. Meaning I didn't show up for a date :/


I feel so sad. Extremely Sad. I wish god would just rip my guts out for me and be done with me. But that will never happen, now will it?

I hate the feeling when I wake up in the morning and realize nobody's there. It's really quite tragic. Well Addmath and Moral's tomorrow. It's 7.30pm. I haven't studied a single thing in moral. Addmath's pretty stable though. Sigh. Spite me.






Ian.

SPM.

I just received word that I'm leaving on the 30th of Dec. Bloody hell.
Good thing or bad? I wouldn't know really. More time in Malaysia; Less time in America.

It's leaning towards good. But on the other hand, less time to see Genna, so that sucks. I really hope everything turns out right there.


I know we all want to.





Ian

I can't feel.

I am me; A man of immense power, of immense respect; I am me; A man that rules the world and bears lives on his shoulders; I am me; The greatest man alive, the one that will conquer the earth as you know it. But even with the power, the money, and the riches. Why do I feel this way? It has been one too many times that I’ve drifted off into the crowd. People, they surround me, they engulf my entire being. It’s like… I’m there; but yet I’m not. My body goes into autopilot and my spirit drowns within my heart No longer do I feel, nor do I understand. That is my life, there is nothing more. I have no one, naught a friend to lean on to – people just use me for my power; naught a man to find his soul – for It’s the only way I keep myself in tact; naught a human to have feelings.

I am numbed by the daily life that I have to go through. The step by step routine that never fails to proceed as planned. Business endeavors, financial meetings and office moderation – these are merely the warm-up for my daily routines. Sometimes I’d even spend days without sleeping to close a deal. I earn billions. I own a house that’s half the size of the Whitehouse. I have 15 cars in my garage. But yet, I have not been happy as of late. Not even close. My Days go by so subtly I hardly believe that I’m alive anymore. Sometimes I’d snap back into my more humane self. I’d literally realize I was alive, it always is a breath of relief to know that I still have that minute bit of humanity left floating within me. But it never lasts long – not more than 2 minutes. I regularly get dragged down by some urgent business emergency. I am not happy, only once have I been able to feel joyfulness, and that was a long time ago.

In high school, I retained superlative results. I excelled in many things. I accepted accolades beyond my wildest imaginations. Maybe I was happy then, because I had peers to share them with, peers that could understand my distress. Though I was still numb whenever I received an award, it’s not as bad as it is now, not even close. I struggled with my life, hiding my emotions. Yet, I’ve never said a word to anybody how I really felt. There was a friend though, once. He actually opened his ears to listen me, he gave me a piece of his time so that I could be vulnerable for once in my and let another person see the life from my point of view. Things happened, and things got complicated. At one point it became so awkward that we wouldn’t even speak in real life anymore, not even as friends. I don’t know how to show my emotion, because I was never brought up that way. My parents have taught me not to let my emotions get the hold of me. I guess I took that too seriously. We parted ways a few months after that, and I haven’t seen him since, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not regret losing him as a friend. Because he was the only true one I had.

I had a girlfriend. She was gorgeous. From he curves to her eyes, to her cute little dimples. She was amazing. Every man that looked at her had their eyes hooked for at least ten seconds. She was the ultimate beauty queen. Poised, graceful, and everything a man could ever ask for. She was beyond caring, she even made me soup when I was sick and made me feel like one of the happiest men to ever inhabit the face of the earth. The one regret I had during that period is how I never treated her as if she was really there. I lusted over her, to be honest. But never have I talked to her intimately as a boyfriend would. I ignored her needs, ignored her beliefs, and lost her. A few months later she courted with my best friend, and that was that. I couldn’t help but to depressed then. But it was too soon that I severed those feelings and moved on with my pathetic life.

Things went downhill after that. In terms of my emotions that is. I hardly even felt the basic emotions anymore. Happiness, Sadness, lust, not one emotion played a part in my daily life. I went through life objectively and there was nothing more. Why? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why do I want to feel, but cannot. I have no one. Not one friend. Not one person I can truly talk to. I need salvation from the madness of this world. Maybe then I’ll finally feel again.

Ian.

New blog.

New blog. New posts. Why?

Because I found out my parents read my blog.

Things have to change.

But it doesn't change the fact I'm the Emo-est guy this side of weirdoville.





I'll post later


Ian.