And when I was there.

And when I was there,

I said.

"Why are all if you sitting here?"

They stared.

Nothing was said for a brief few seconds.

Deafening;

Deafening;

Silence.

"But what about justice?"

I asked to them;

"What about it?"

They rebutted;

nonchalant.

"But what about humanity?"

I asked to them;

"We don't have any"

said they;

unruffled.

As we witnessed an innocent;

innocent;

person get burned;

Poked with sticks;

Doused with oil;

Burned Alive.

And that was all that could be said about humans;

The general rule.

Be he a teacher,

a student,

a lover,

a hater,

a ruler,

a peasant.

Be she a warrior,

a writer,

a dancer,

a singer,

a tyrant,

or a friend.

Selfish.

Unforgiving.

Humans.

Ian.

Whyyyy!@#!

Mother CIBAI. I can't seem to get him out of my head.

Fuck it that I see him everywhere I turn.

Stupid infatuation, go away already,

I don't need you here.

Ian.

Fine, I lied.

Something has become apparent to me. There are many people I cannot stand living with, and there are some I can. Those who I can have one really prejudice criteria that I'm just force to pronounce.

Their Asian.

It's hard to live with someone that I don't have anything in common with. It may be shallow, but it's the hard truth. I've imagined myself living with white people a few times, and even in my mind it's just not happening. Some close friends I have just make it seem impossible for me to get along with them in a room-mate setting.

I think even If I did get married, that person would have to be Asian, otherwise I wouldn't be able to live myself down.

And so I thought of him.

Not saying that my current roommate sucks though,

he's a great guy and all, but we currently aren't technically

"living together."

We get along very well, though.

I don't think I'll give up,

just because I've already formed this stupidly unreal dream in my head.

I won't try anything.

but maybe one day he'll feel the same.

Ian.

Once again.

Another very inappropriate time to dive into some blogging.

T-minue 2 hours till exam time, and I'm not 3/4 ready.

But anyway.

Isn't it amazing how alcohol makes things so much better? I mean, i have to admit, I was very very very very very very very anxious last night. It was mostly attributed to the whole boy mess that I created to myself. Usually, it would take me a really long time to get over something like that.

But it was weird this time.

I took 2 shots of McCormicks before I started studying at like 3. (Kind of why I am where I am now.) and everything became clear again.

It was like someone hit the reset button within me and now my feelings are null again.

I thought of the negatives while I was drunk.

I guess it was like a state-like memory thing.

It's said you remember details of a situation better if you are in that same state again.

and I remember when I first saw him,

I was drunk then.

I realized why I didn't really bother in the first place.

because he was shallow,

and that one night blinded me from what was set right before me.

He just gave off such a shallow image,

that that one night at his place made me feel like as if he had a soul.

Maybe he does,

I'm actually very sure he does.

But not as much as I would really like in a person.

I'm not really trying to be arrogant in anyway here.

But given my bhuddist background, materialistic things have so far become unimportant to me.

I've learned that nothing is more important than one's belief in oneself,

or the strength of one's heart.

But I saw nothing of that in him that one night,

and my intuition was probably spot on.

Hence. I have come to a conclusion in my brain and my heart.

It was all an illusion.

and henceforth, I shall just remain his friend,

that is, if he would consider taking me.

Though,

I'm not exactly the friendliest person around.

Ian.

There are no boundaries.

Why do you hate yourself young boy,

stand up.

breathe.

live.

Why do you kill yourself inside?

stop it.

learn.

conquer.

Why do you want so much?

close your eyes.

don't limit yourself.

Why do you bind yourself here?

Fly.

Lift.

Take.

Why are you concerned of the world?

or the birds and the bees,

or the people that are in it.

You shouldn't care,

what anyone says.

There.

are.

no boundaries.

Ian.

So, there's this boy,

I've never really talked about a guy on my blog before. But I really don't care anymore.

So I met this guy. He's the most sophisticated, smart, handsome, and most importantly mature guy I've met for awhile. We met about 3 months ago at a party. I was ignored the entire night, he didn't even bat an eye at me, it seemed like he hated me.

About a week ago, I started talking to someone who knew him online. She posed this whole stunt so that this guy could text me, and he did, at like 3am in the morning, I was just playing magic cards, all was right. Turns out, he was just shy at the time.

Then at about 4am, he asked me over. Me, being the liberal douchebag I am, agreed, just because I thought he was that hot. We spent about an hour drinking wine (I was gulping it down.) and talking. It was, for me, a very very good experience to meet a guy I could connect with. I can't with most guys, it's weird.

I slept with him that night, drunk and inebriated.

Then the next few days was weird. I needed closure, I tried texting him, he never texted back. I tried talking to him on facebook, he didn't really reply. I was angry. I really, really needed closure.

At some point, I got a text saying that he was working all day and night and had really no time for socialization. I really doubted it to be the case, it doesn't take a lot of effort to return a text.

I became obsessed. Facebook opened up a whole new path to stalking, I looked at all his pictures, his videos, his wall. I felt like a complete and utter creep. It didn't end there, I continued trying to text him, he didn't really seem that interested in me.

he wasn't at all. Turns out.

I wasn't "mean" enough for him. He judged me on the first impression I gave. Just because I seem like a softy on the outside doesn't mean that I have no constitutions or thoughts of my own. I do, and I always will, and I'm way meaner than he thinks.

But that was the excuse he gave me.

But that's really never an excuse to give anyone. I thought he would have been straightforward, but he wasn't.

I guess it was mainly my fault for trying to get in so deep so quick. I just have a tendency to open myself up to people. I went even so far to even write him a song. Don't get me wrong, i'm not THAT much of a creeper. I write songs in less than 5 minutes, and he just inspired me to write a song. That must have creeped him out. It wasn't his fault though, I'm just Ian that way.

I imagined myself with him so much in the past week. Sickly delusions of having him in my arms and such, when I know a guy like that would never really like me back. He just seemed like the perfect example of a guy that I would date in my head.

But what can I do? When I don't have the ability to keep my feelings inside.

I feel really bad now, like I've been torn apart, when I shouldn't be. I feel used. I feel like a booty call. (a not very good one at that.) Why did I kid myself all this time?

Proves that I probably will never find somebody to love.

Just because I always expect the same amount that I invested in return. I always invest too much, so no person would ever be able to give me that much back in return.

I thought he was amazing. Everything I want, and always wanted in a guy.

Most guys I come across aren't even my type.

But he is my type.

But he doesn't give a fuck if I live or die.

so.

I'm making a revelation.

I shall learn from someone I once knew, Wui Yang, and detach myself from any need of a relationship.

I don't need a guy that doesn't appreciate me for who I am.

or a guy that doesn't care enough to text me.

or a guy who's sole intention when engaging a guy is lust.

I'm sick of the immature retards out there who can't seem to comprehend any communal ethics;

I'm sick of the people who are just so selfish.

That night meant more to me than to him.

It's not his fault.

It's all mine, and mine alone.

I'm done.

Ian.

Vloggo Firsto Attempto

First attempt at vlogging haha.

Tell me what you think

Be kind! it's my first.

Caffeine Inebriation.

Love,

Ian.

Procrastination Nation

It's about 5:30 a.m. now, and it has been a very unproductive past few hours. I can't seem to get my heart off many things that are going on in my life now. I think there are some things that I have to list down that are vital to you, the reader to getting to know me a little better.

1. I sing a lot.

Say what you want. But I've been struggling as a child to make it somewhere with my singing. In primary school, during Music period, my teacher would always tell me to shut up over and over again, just because I tried to sing louder and harder than everyone else in the group. I truly sucked back then, I'd have to admit.

Then I moved on to highschool. Where people like @trixieyap (haha, wish that worked here.) made fun of me over and over again. They judged me and compared me to people like @nikirfan and @nikenaishah, whom, I have to admit, at that time were only slightly better than me. Even if they were, it was because we fell into different categories.

I can hear @trixieyap say it now "excuses, excuses Ian."

But nonetheless, I guess what I have lost in encouragement back then, I gained in strength now. I would have always be undermined by people like Ms. Foo who not only didn't encourage me, but brought me down to the pits of my singing career. Mr. Zach, however, gave me privilleges that he took away soon after, at the arrival of "better" singers.

It doesn't matter though, that's all past and gone. I'm just looking towards the future now, singing as much as possible in the few practice room in my dorm. Singing from my soul, hoping one day I'll get somewhere with this voice of mine.

2. I'm gay.

You heard me. i know that most of you out there know already. But I really don't care. My parents are probably going to judge me hardly on this. Their going to tell me to remove this from my blog. But I really want to just say it out, and say it proud. I'm gayer than the day is long.

If you're going to ask me how I found out? That's probably a very personal question and I should tell you, i'll only tell you if you e-mail me at tanvernian@gmail.com HAHAHA. Or I'll think you're a creeper and I won't reply.

To those of you who actually give a damn, like my cousins or relatives. I'm sorry i didn't tell you guys earlier. it's just that I used to find it a taboo thing. It's gone now though, either you accept me or get lost. :]

But you need to know something, dear reader. I am not gay because i was born this way. It was a choice I have made from several events that have happened in my life. I decided that having sex with men is way better than with a woman. Besides, it makes it more special, because it's hard to find another gay guy. We're like 10% of most communities, and to find one that you're suited to? Not that easy because, I am, indeed, a very hard person to deal with.

On that note.

3. I like being special.

I like the attention. I'm going to admit it and never retract it. I love it when i'm the one that sticks out like a sore thumb I like it when I'm just the one singular extinct species among many. It just makes me all the more unique. That's kind of why I take pride in being one of the only gay-malaysian-soul-pop-folk-acoustic-can-speak-fluent-english singers out in America today. Well, of course, I've yet to be noticed by anyone.

4. I'm arrogant as hell.

I think I'm smarter than everyone. Though this may not be the case in all scenarios. I feel that I have enough cognitive power to outrank most people. Seeing as how I've gone through so many weird scenarios in life, I've been put into positions where I have to learn to adapt (not saying that you haven't done the same thing.) that has given me some pretty formidable interprative intelligence. I look at the world differently, I don't like things that don't make sense.

I think that knowledge is a waste of time. Sure, it's there to help us advance. But you can be a rocket scientist and still not be able to interpret a situation considerably well, or atleast make sense in doing so.

I may be an arrogant fool at most times. But everything i say (when I'm serious) I've thought through enough to help my arguments retain water. But of course, this post in itself is an arrogant statement.

But whatever. It's your choice on whether or not you want to judge me as a extremely liberal person.

Oh.

5. I'm very very liberal

Seriously. I'll very charitable when it comes to most things. I'll consider your point of view. Make a good argument, and I'll consider. But if you don't, I'll still think about it. I can talk about most anything. Just simply because I don't think anything is off limits.

Seriously try me.

I should really be studying.

Dear reader, I hope you know me a little better now.

Till next time

Ian.

Today has been a very awe-inspiring day.

Today has been a day, it wasn't much too long, nor was it short. Like most other days, it comprised of many awkward, bizarre feelings that we as humans, are sadly burdened to feel: Depression, anxiety, hate, love, anger - just some of the examples.

It gets me thinking of why we strive so much as human beings. Why bother, when all these emotions are only substantial, and what lies at the end is nothing but oblivion. Just think about it, you're going to go through life, be it work, play, school etc. and the only thing that surmounts you at the end of the day is the feeling of distrust towards man, or some awry feeling of the sort.

It pisses me off that people around me are trying to make their life more practical by plastering a layer of "fake" on top of everything. It all has to be a game: you can't go too far into something without taking minor steps first; you shouldn't try something you don't believe will end well. The unwritten rules of humanity. A burden.

It gets me thinking of Jean Paul-Sarte's existentialism and it's truth int he world today. How true the fact that we are just beings of anguish that walk this earth without anyone to guide us. The despair we behold through our lives, the feeling of being forlorn. Where are you god? If you do exist, why aren't you doing your best to make us all happy. Given - we cannot be truly happy by logical means. We cannot frolic in the fields forever and waste our time away, as we learn nothing, we don't grow, we don't think. But then again, why bother? when nothing seems to be beyond the shadow of a doubt pointless.

Pointing man, by Giacometti. A testament to existentialism.

It gets me thinking about an argument I remember from a Philosopher. (It may be Jean Paul, but I can't seem to place my finger on the exact person.)

Is there a god?

If a stapler is given a function, to staple things. Who gives it his function? Is it the person that made it? Is it the person who uses it? If it were, then where is that person? Are we truly being used by someone? Are we being objectified by some higher being.

Who is the giver of our function? So far, it only seems like the only thing that can define who we are, is the government, and even they, at their best, only have so much control over what functions we may or may not proceed with. Then who is our creator? If there was one, why didn't he give us a name? He didn't, so far as history can tell us, (even the fake one in the bible, or any other manuscript you may like to argue.) God, (in relevance to the bible.) did not mention that we were called "humans". Sure, he named the first two people "Adam" and "Eve", but has he ever uttered the word "human?" I think not. We are all not named Adam, or Eve.

If it's not apparent to you by now. I present you to you my case - we are who we are, and we are our own gods. We define our functions and our name. We created language, we created sophistication, we created jobs, we created a community. We are our own gods, and nothing in this world can argue otherwise.

-- - - - - --

It's a wonder why I have spent the day just wasting away playing card games, or staying online before a bright screen. When the thoughts as above enter my head, all I can think about is my life and it's functionality, and I can't seem but accept the suicidal thoughts that force their way into my head.

The truth is, I want to die. I can sympathize with every other person with that sentiment. However, I disagree on why most of the suicidal attempt it. Because they don't understand why it's arguably okay for you to commit suicide.

-- - - - - --

I can already hear you arguing - It's not okay for you to take your own life. You will merely hurt the people around you, cause them grief, and we don't need any of that floating around, now do we?

It's not the case of what other people feel, nor is it the case if anything we do is pious or impious. If my arguments above are valid, then, if we, as our own gods, define our function as one to die, then yes, we should die.

Why do we want to die?

Because we don't have a true purpose. When emotions, heart, soul, blood, tears, veins, sinews, piss, semen, thoughts, anxiety, are merely just a worldly possession. When the truth is, people around us don't really mean that much to us. My mother, my father, my sister, my brother, wouldn't be as important, more, or less important than the person reading right now.

We don't have a purpose, and because of that, we need to concede our lives. Because of that, we define our action as death, and with that, we will be purged of these burdens that we sometimes take privilege of.

Then why aren't you dead Ian?

Honestly. I do not know, and I'm not going to try anything to kill myself. Even though my life is not worth living. (nor is yours, or anyone else.) We as a community have defined lives with a sickly principal - that we are required to preserve it. It's not that I'm scared to break rules, but through the years of that one ideal burned into my head, that's the only thing right now stopping me from stabbing myself in the heart with a knife.

I won't die, don't worry, dear reader, I won't be dying for a really long time.

and till then,

I wish you well.

Ian.

I can't breathe

It seems that I can never keep my distance from someone that I like. What the fuck is wrong with me?

By the way.

Do you guys think that saying "I'm too mean for you" means anything?

Because I sure don't think it does. Not anything significant, atleast.

Ian. - Re-Broken.

So,

you were just working.

-_-

ian.

It's that time of year again!

You've heard it time and time and time again. "It's that time of the year again!" Where the children play in the snow. Where we search for the hidden presents in the house. Where grandma comes over and cooks dinner. When cheesy christmas movies sprout like wild mushrooms. Where we stuff ourselves with cookies, and throw up afterward. When bonds of love become stronger, somethings thinner.

That's what she said.

:D

Ian.

It angers me. I think.

It's weird how life always leaves me in a state of limbo: I can't seem to hit a certain high, or even a low for that matter. I'm never happy enough to consider myself in a state of euphoria, nor have I ever been depressed enough to literally hurt myself. (Though some of you may think i have tried.); It's weird, how I always start a passage with "It's weird" or something along the lines. It speaks alot of my monotony, I guess.

Things here have been great so far. But it may seem that the drama from American High Schools have been transacted over into their dorm counterparts. Everyone in the dorms seem to have a tendency to rack up some drama whenever something dies down, when the world reaches a state of peace for a flash of a moment, one person always seems to create waves and encourage the vicious cycle that is anxiety.

So far, I've had my share of drama, with my naivety of American Culture, I effed up a large part of what could've been great friendships with my tendency to smother people with attention, when i myself crave it more than they do. It transalates to desperation, so they say.

But after that experience, i've tried to change - to tone the attitude down and attain more allies than enemies. I settled differences with people whom I have wronged, and people who may have read my actions in the most undesirable way possible. But that was to no avail. Drama still exists on the floor of which I live.

Ironically, I have been targeted by one of my own. An American "Malaysian" (Who is malay.) that seems to afford symptoms of schizophrenia. With his delusional ideals of himself. He is skinny, loud mouthed, and most possibly one of the least favourited persons on the floor. It's gotten to bad that he's so far convinced himself that one of my girl-(gendered)friends are abrasive on dating him simply because he is leaving for spain at the end of the semester. (Thank God.) He displaces his anger on me, saying that I (Because I spend so much time with this girl.) convinced her that she shouldn't go out on a date with him. But it's quite the contrary: In the pre-eliminary stages, I happen to be the one that actually encouraged her to go out with him, to give the boy a chance, but it seems that this "Malaysian" mistook me for badmouthing him.

The worse part about all of this is, that even after the girl told him that he was entirely not interested. Made it a point to go out of her way to avoid him (taking random routes to avoid the common room.), he still is "secretly" convinced that she still likes him. He has gone to the extent to lie and say that he's dating another friend of mine, my friend that doesn't seem to know that they are going out on dates. When I told the girl that he has been telling people about them "dating" she told me she already knew. Pointing out the fact that gossip even prevails in dormitories. She stayed calm but yet, she didn't do anything to confront him, he hasn't intiated a direct assault onto her, ergo, she found no reason to assault him back. It grew even worse, the "Malaysian" kept lying to everyone, saying he's going out with my other friend. He started to displace even more hate upon me, thinking that I'm talking bullshit behind his back.


T B C.

Rock Chalk! Jayhawk! KU!

Damned computer.


Ian.

X'mas Series

Oh, Here was one more.

Ian

Halloween Series

A Result of Boredom

<3



Ian.

I can never find anything to talk about.

I learned about Kandinski in class a few days ago, Wednesday, to be specific. He was the man who found a way to take away all of the essence of art; or atleast, what was believed to be essence years ago, and he modified in. He, is the very man who created abstract art, or rather, it was his wife who turned a painting of his to the side while he took a long stroll one day. He came back, astonished by what his wife has done. The painting was a simple one, a yellow canvas with a few distinct lines portraying nature - it was ever so cliche. But to his surprise, the painting that was put turned 90 degrees, bared a whole different interpretation. It was then the idea came to him. He painted first piece of abstract painting, that then spawned a whole new generation of art. Art that didn't have to mean anything, art that didn't need to.

I want to do that. I want to be able to transfer my soul into a piece of art. Be it a piece of music, a few lines of a poem, or a painting. I want to plaster myself on a canvas, I want to invoke feelings upon viewers. Feelings so strong that would make them nudge, flinch, or smile. But I can't. I've been cursed to be in a world where art bares no meaning anymore. Where people can look at a painting and not feel a thing. I almost cried when I looked at composition 7. I know It seems a little dramatic. But what can I say? It made my heart bleed.


Call me too emotional, but I think this world lacks emotion.


Composition 7




Ian.

You and I

:D

Loves.


Ian.

I am not who you think I am.

There are not many things that upset me in life; sometimes I may act frustrated or the exact opposite of appealing when confronted with something - but do I really detest the thing I'm confronted with inside. Not most of the time.

The way I act, fun, happy, insane. Isn't the picture of which I want you or anyone to see me as. Sure, it's fun for me to be happy, insane, or whatever you call it. But I'll stand by the fact, that that's not me. It's merely the outer shell. I don't like it when people fucking judge me for who I am without getting to know the deeper me. You don't understand the magnitude of wisdom, or knowledge i poses; nor do you realize the amount of passion I inject into everything I do. When I sing, I don't sing with merely the mouth, or my diaphragm, or my vocal chords. I use my soul, my heart, my emotions, I pour everything into what I do, and if you can't bloody see that, then, that's your loss.

Oh,

And I'm quitting facebook.




Ian.

Recording myself

Time to start a channel.



Hallelujah



Falling Slowly


Love,

Ian

It's a wonder where time stops and nothing matters.

I'm here now, finally in America and all settled down. Though, I totally hate the fact tomorrow's the start of school again. I used to like school; it's like the thrill of it has totally fluttered away.

Something's wrong with me again; It's like that lingering feeling on emptiness is looming about once more. It's not because I don't have someone to love; nor is it because I don't like my current lifestyle - I was talking to Undarmaa like an hour ago, and for some reason it just hit me, my life means nothing.

I mean, what are you going to get out of school? Work? FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? It's so bullshit how life is set up like that. I was initially looking forward to working; but now, I don't really think so. Those suicidal feelings are crawling back ever so slowly - I won't do it of course, I never will, plainly because I'm such a pussy.

I just wish there were more meaning to life. Like something to cling on to to make me feel real for once. I don't want anymore drama or heartache. I just want to feel like I'm worth something; It's really too bad I don't have the image to be a very famous singer.

Genna, Nat, I miss you guys so much. Like, unreasonably much. I wish we could revert back to high school days when everything was so simple; monotonous, but simple. Not saying I totally can't cope with life right now; I just think there should be a better way to live life.


I need closure damnit.




Ian.

It's time.

This blog has become nothing but a past time; It shouldn't be, it really shouldn't. I'm going to start passively being proactive on updating this blog after I get back to America. For some reason I do things better when I get into the beat of things.

It's amazing how summer flew by so fast. I would say I've seen alot of friends this summer, but that would be lying. Pretty much everyone I have seen, I saw a few times throughout the summer. (Except the particular bitch who didn't seem to grasp the concept of commitment.) I've been spending majority of my time with Genna Gan; just doing stupid things we do. Like driving around with the purpose of getting lost; awkward moments where the silence seems to be choking us, but yet, we enjoy it. Me and Genna share a pretty sadistic relationship if you ask me, pretty sadistic indeed.

Well It's almost time, 2 more days and counting before I pack my bag and re-enter that cycle I tend to create for myself. Slaving away, trying to achieve my goals.

I hate it - I can't express how much I'm ready to go out and work. I don't find a need to study anymore. Fine, If i were to go into a more professional line, sure, I would need to study more. But as for me, I see opportunities everywhere, you don't even need the credentials to do them.

It frustrates me that the Malaysian Mindset is so simple. It's as if they're purely daft human beings living on merely impulse and false beliefs. I know, most of you don't see it, but our society today is flooded with Chinese-based middle-aged business men that have half, or even quater of my caliber and drive. I'm so insanely sure that given the right information needed for the job (Not so extensively that you have to go to Uni.) I could easily gain the profit of the typical Fat-Chinese-Malaysian business man.

It pisses me off when people lack intelligence. The lack of capacity to think and rationalize; they do immature things unconsciously; their conduct is simply unbecoming - Yet, they label themselves as "Adults". The authority is merely in the class they have been put in, and in my eyes, to everyone else, It's simply discrimination.

No one takes what I have to say seriously, because I don't have the credentials to back me up. When I talk to my friends they simply give me a blank stare and nod in agreement. Genna Gan simply says something to fill in the void, trying to make it seem like she's following what I'm saying, or she gives a damn. But she doesn't, they don't.

It's a wonder how Malaysia has been staying afloat this long.

Ian

Complexity.

We are as simple as we think.

We are whatever we think, so says the famous philosopher Pythagoras, "Man is the measure of all things."

But yet we are complex beings; but we think we are not. Then, if what pythogoras says is true, then? Are we or are we not complex beings?

From our daily struggles, to the things that enter and exit our minds everyday. It has almost become painfully obvious, that our complexity definitely rises above that of a simple sphere, or a cube, or a triangle.

Then what be this argument but a spear that can pierce through anything and a shield that can withstand anything coming together?

Contradictions.


Urk.


8 more days.



Ian,

Don't you just hate it.

When you order something over the internet, wait like 2 weeks for it to finally arrive. The anticipation builds up so large, and in the end, you get dissappointed because of a few minor kinks of the otherwise flawless system.

Such as the F1-F9 keys being retarded.

Sigh.

Ian

Posts without pictures.

:(

I wish I had my new laptop - It's coming tomorrow, then I can start using photos again.

Anyway.

I enrolled for school today. The gravity of the situation just dawned on me once again - It's time to go to school. Don't you just hate it when you realize the holidays over; and most of the time, you feel like you haven't experienced anything at all. It's tragic really (that's how I feel right now.), it's like everytime i think of it i sense impending doom - as if I'll keep studying, studying, studying, and that's life.

To top all the anxiety off, I just enrolled for 6 +/- grading scale classes. "Why is that so bad" I hear you ask, those of you who don't study under the american system. Well, let me just tell you why.

On a A-D scale

90-93 = A = 4.0 GPA

On a A-D(+/-) scale

90-93 = A- = 3.7 GPA.

Life.

Sigh.

Ian.

I Am Fat.

I just got back from Bangkok. Like 2 hours ago, and something has really been bothering me.

I'm sure all of you who've seen me in the past few weeks have noticed - I've let myself go. Between the tom yam and pad thai in bangkok, i would say I've easily gained even more weight throughout in just 3 days. It's amazing how much I can gain in so little time.

It's contradictory really; and I'm sure i'm not the only one. I absolutely LOVE to eat, but yet, I hate to look fat. Why does god taunt us with such vices and knows that we will at some point fall for them, and then again punish us when we get hooked to said vices. But then again, I don't even believe in god; do you? (Really, do you.)

Ever since I can remember, I've thought of ways to lose weight - quite unsuccessful i may add. I'd wrap my hands around my waist, and squeeze really hard, in hopes that if i squeezed hard enough, the food that i just consumed would go right through me. (If you know what I mean.) I would do bridges in hopes that that would strech out my tummy, causing the concentrated fat lump to be spread out, making me look thinner. Not to mention the thousands of "NOW I GO ON DIET" revelations that happened throughout the years.

I know I'm weird.

Personally, I hate these rituals; it just makes me seem like I have OCD; maybe I do. But who knows? Maybe those little rituals did work; I mean, i wouldn't know what would've happened if i hadn't done 500 kicks a day in an attempt to lose weight; Maybe i would've gotten even fatter than i would've if i went throught with all of em' rituals. Think about the Placebo effect; maybe it was strong enough to have kept some weight off me, but was not strong enough to help me achieve my desired look.

Either way.

I'm not giving up on these rituals.

Urk. I'm Insane.

Ian

We're all liars

No. I'm not talking about straight out lies that you tell to your mother, or your friends. Not little white lies, or even large ones. I'm talking about lies we tell ourselves every single moment of every single day. Emotions that we convince ourselves that aren't there. It's like there is an epidemic of confabulation in our culture today.

But culture was born from community, and hence, we can conclude that confabulation is formed from community. The things we do, the things we restrain ourselves from; nothing can be true-er than nietzche's internalization of man. All of us, just struggling beneath us, holding in back feelings that we want to just let go of. But Alas, we cannot; because we're scared - of the community, or the ridicule.

Nietzche once said that we as man have poisoned after being thrust into community. Our wants, our needs, repressed, and bad conscience is formed - that thing in you head that tells you to avoid doing things because it's not socially accepted, or in freudian terms, your superego. Why guilt? Why repression? Why can't we just let it out and act upon it.

It's a snowball effect, can't you see - the way we feel that "guilt" is there (when it is not.) others feel the same. As it spreads like a virus, the tendency of us to feel guilt after a certain action increases, and "ethical culture" is formed.

But it's all a delusion. I agree, that maybe, there is a line to be drawn when given the situation - you know, the typical, killing, raping, etc. I do agree that etiquette exists for a reason. But for the social guilt that are just plain stupid, like the delusion of stereotypes, should just die. Things like fat people are ugly, things like forbidden love, things like fear that hold us down.

That should stop.

That should stop.

Ian.

Things I cannot stand about my friends

There are indeed just many things I cannot stand about my friends.

The way I get taunted from time to time because of the way I act.

The way they are unsupportive of what I do.

But by far, the thing I hate most about my friends, is the fact whenever I arrange something, hardly 50% show up. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because when ONE of them has some transportation problem, or simply just can't make it, or just doesn't FEEL like coming. The fucking stack of cards just falls. It's so effing annoying I tell you. "Oh I can't come" then after that, "Oh she's not coming? I don't wanna go either" then after that "Really ar? She's not going, I don't think I'm going too." Before you know it, you're left with half the people you invited and your faith in them is totally stirred because you no longer know what to believe in.

Yea, this is to fucking all of you.

People like Wong Fucking Gui Fen who's been blowing me off since I got back, fucking putting her friends before the guy that had been there for her for 5 fucking years. You heard me.

This was the last straw.

You are not my friend anymore.

Thanks for making it such a horrendous visit back to Malaysia.

May you contract some extreme form of a virus and just die.

- - - - - - - -

Let me add something. Pathetical idiots that attempt to turn it around and make it seem like i'm perverse can just go suck on one. I don't fucking act out unless someone gives me a reason to, and a fucking idiot like Wong Gui Fen has given me more than enough reason to act out.

once again.

Fucking annoyed,

Ian.

Camwhoring with Leon the Lion

When all else fails. Your lion never does.

In his flufffy arms

Intimacy or IN TO ME I SEE.

Peek a Boo

One of those "happy life" kinda picture :D

Swawk! Leon wants a cwacker

Making out :D

Reeanactment of the popular Robert Doisneau's picture. That used to hang up in Gaby's room.

I know, supah similar

What are you looking at?

Sometimes, I think I'm good enough for like, a movie poster thing D:

I could be LEOMAN

Don't you love dramatic this picture is?

It could be a GAP advertorial.

As a matter of fact..

Yea. That's how Bored i was.

:D

Ian.

A very late post.

Someone graduated.

I'm sure some of you may remember Undarmaa, the eccentric mongolian girl my groupleader-come-best friend. Last semester was the semester she finally graduated. After 4 years of being in the university of Kansas, she finally graduated from the school of economics and political sciences. Yay for her.


Undarmaa infront of the people who discovered Helium. (They went to KU, apparently.)


Because me and Madhu (Sri Lankan friend.) were such great friends; and since Undarmaa had no real family there. (She apparenly told her parents to only come for her masters graduation -__-")

- End of post made a month ago.-

I really wish I had the rest of these pictures in these desktop. It's such a bother that the only thing on this desktop is Google Chrome, msn and Dota. I can't seem to continue anything I was doing post-coming-back-home simply because it's like, everything's temporary now; I don't know, it's like that feeling you get, when you're in the middle of the sea snorkeling, and you realize, that there's no solid ground, only corals on the seabed. Forlorness I guess.

Just to make it clear to you, I do have more pictures I wanted to use, but sadly I didn't upload them before I saved this post a month ago. Sad.

I remember that day fairly well though, Undarmaa's graduation. It was already the end of school, and I was staying at a friend's place; though, the night before the graduation I spent at Undarmaa's apartment, seeing as how it'd be easier to go to the graduation the next day.

KU has many traditions, and it was a pleasure to find out that there was a tradition for graduation too, a rather interesting (and long) one at that. There's like a field in the middle of KU, a humungous one, like an actual park you can walk in, and not far off, there's a football stadium (an EXTREMELY large one.), at the top of the hill, stands the campamille (or however it's spelt.) It's like a tall building filled with bells and such, I think I have it on one of my previous posts as I was discovering KU. Anyway, the the graduates are expected to walk through their campamille as a symbol of graduation. (Because, there's a belief that if you go through the campamille before you graduate, you won't graduate from KU.)

They through the campamille and down the extremely EXTREMELY long road towards the stadium for the ceremony. Parents and friends stand at the sides of the pathway and take pictures as they see their graduate walk down the path. Turns out, there were 2 pathways that the graduates were categorized under, college of liberal arts and the professional schools. Undarmaa, was in the school of liberal arts. Me, being such a fool, sat under the hot sun for 2 hours waiting to take her picture on the side of the OTHER pathway. I finally gave up, and only after the ceremony, did Undarmaa tell i was watching the wrong pathway. (Sigh.)

The whole thing finally ended after 5-6 long hours as we went for dinner at madhu's host parents' place; for dumplings!

Ian.

Time to post something.

I really hate posting without pictures. It brings so much more dullness to my blog. I mean, if I didn't update at all, this blog would be considered dead, atleast it wouldn't be dull, right?

You know what I realized? I realized that I have like 5 other incomplete posts that I have yet to post up on my blog, because of pure laziness. Yea, I should really get to that.

There's like only a month and a day left of summer, and I'm wasting it away by staying at home and getting fatter. I really let myself go these past few weeks. I hate fat. I don't want to be fat.

I think I have insomania, it's like, I've not been sleeping at all really. Sometimes, I make it all the way to 48 hours of no sleep. It's weird really, when you are given so much time, and truly nothing to do, you seem to have too much energy to even catch a wink of sleep. I mean it's that effect when you start using the computer - It's like you can never stop.

It's sad how all I do these days is just use my computer, sleep, dota, eat. The process repeats again and again. God. I feel impending doom. loom.

I SHALL MAKE A FULL POST TOMORROW.

I promise myself. (But then again, it's perverse the amount of times that I do not keep to my promises, oh well.)

Ian.

Oh Statistics.

I hate statistics. I'm still wondering why I even took the course. The homework is tedious and pointless; the teacher is a real douchebag and slavedriver. The worse part is that his wife is my CHEM TEACHER.

Hoorah for failure.

Ian.